Having owned a sex toy store for five years, I know a thing or two about how to make the most of your toys. I very much appreciate the excitement of buying new pleasure objects, but I’m also a huge advocate for making the most of what you already have. You don’t always need to buy the latest release with all its bells and whistles—there’s a lot of fun to be had when you approach your toys from a different angle, switching up the power dynamic with your partners or pairing your plastic pals with each other for double the pleasure.
Whether you’re playing alone, with a new partner or a long-term lover, approach your toys with curiosity, and you’ll see that there are myriad ways to get the most out of them.
How to bring sex toys into your play
If you’re still wondering how to bring up toys with your partners, the answer is simple: with open and judgement-free communication. Using sex toys is fun, and the conversation should be treated as such. My favourite way to bring up toys to a new partner is either to mention to them over the message that I love using a wand/strap-on/ whatever toy I’m vibing with at the moment or simply to say in person, “Can I show you my favourite sex toy?”.
If I want to use a toy on a new partner, I’ll always bring this up before we start having sex so as not to spring the idea onto them in the throes of passion. Whatever stage of the relationship you’re at, a playful way to delve deeper into your toybox is to hold a toy ‘Show and Tell’. The concept is simple. Both of you bring your toys, you present them to each other and explain how you usually use each toy. You can use your words, demonstrate on your body, or do both. If inspiration strikes and you can see other ways it would be fun to play with them, tell your partner. Or even better, show them. Sex toys couples can share only add extra creativity to the bedroom.
How to use sex toys to maximise pleasure
When you’re playing with toys, they become an extension of yourself. You’ll use your intuition to move with the rhythm of your person—following their responses, movements and the flow of their breath. Even with the best intuition, you won’t be able to completely feel the point at which the toy makes contact with their body, so use verbal communication to ask them for feedback. Ask them if the toy is in the right place or if they want more pressure or vibration. Asking simple yes or no questions makes it easy for your person to respond without overthinking while they’re receiving stimulation.
Wetter is better. Toys aren’t self-lubricating, and friction is not your friend. Whether you’re using a penis toy, a vibrator, a dildo or a butt plug, lube makes every movement feel so much smoother. This is especially true when you’re playing with the backdoor, as the ass is not self-lubricating. Don’t be shy with the wet stuff, either. Use a generous amount, and don’t be afraid to go back in for more.
Experiment with different settings and types of stimulation. Sometimes a little trial and error is required to maximise pleasure—this might be playing with different patterns of vibration, the length and speed of the strokes you’re using with a masturbation sleeve, or the depth and angle at which you’re using a dildo. Continue practising clear communication with your person to find the most pleasurable way to use the toys.
Sensory play
Using toys in the bedroom can be a full-body experience. Playing with sensory deprivation is one of my favourite ways to intensify stimulation and build tension. Introducing a blindfold, hood, or noise-cancelling headphones can add an element of suspense but also help the receiver to fully melt into the sensations which are being bestowed upon them.
As well as limiting the senses, you can play with widening the range of sensations your person is feeling by introducing temperature play. This works particularly well with glass or metal toys which conduct heat incredibly well. If you have a metal toy, like the Njoy Pure Wand, you can submerge it into cool or warm water to adjust its temperature. Playing with temperature brings a new dimension to your toys, and the unexpected sensation is both exciting and erotic. Always test the temperature on your palm or inner thigh before using the toy on your person.
Beyond toys that stimulate the genitals are other sensory tools. Turn your play session into a full-body experience and introduce feathers and silk scarves for sensual teasing and pegs or clamps to delve into the pain end of the spectrum.
Playing with power dynamics
Toys can act as props to help you to lean into your dominant or submissive side. Any experienced kinkster will tell you that BDSM doesn’t always equate to pain. Pleasure is a valuable tool in any kinky person’s arsenal, too.
Toys pair incredibly well with restraints. You can bind your partners’ hands with a scarf, cuffs or rope if you know how, and instruct them not to take their eyes off you while you pleasure yourself with your favourite toys. When you’re satisfied, you can turn your attention to your restrained partner and use your toys on them. Being tied up gives the submissive partner permission to receive without any pressure to reciprocate—something that can be very freeing for people who have a tendency to overthink during sex.
Over-stimulation play is another fun way to play with power. This is when you use powerful vibrations or quick motions to deliver more stimulation than is necessary, perhaps continuing stimulation way past the point of climax or going in for rounds two and three relentlessly. When playing with power dynamics, always discuss your desires and boundaries before play begins and have a safe word or traffic light system in place (where green means go, amber means I’m nearing my limit/let’s ease things up, and red means stop).
On the flip side of over-stimulation is edging. Using your toys, take your partner to the brink of orgasm and then stop stimulating them completely. Repeat as many times as possible, and the eventual climax will be incredibly intense.
Using rope or bondage straps, you can attach a toy to your bottom’s body and then step back to observe your handiwork. Stimulating your partner can be tiring, and there’s something delicious about seeing your person reacting in a big way whilst you’re serenely taking in the view. Bondage, in particular rope, is a whole skill set in itself and requires a high level of risk awareness, so learning the appropriate technical and safety skills is recommended. You can learn a lot of sex and kink skills online through articles and videos, but picking up a skill like this at a workshop is something I highly recommend. A few weeks ago, I attended a workshop held by Sophia Rose and Slut Social about tying toys into crotch rope, and I came away with the practical skills to confidently tie a harness after just a couple of hours of learning.
Multitasking and couples sex toys
What’s better than one sex toy? Well, two of course.
Make the sex toys you already have go further by pairing them together. This is the bedroom equivalent of ordering the wine pairing with a lovely tasting menu. By doubling up, you don’t need to order a new toy every time you want to dabble in a new sensation. Here are a few of my favourite pairings.
Double dildo—you can turn any two suction cup dildos into a double-ended toy. Simply press the suction cups together, and you’ll find yourself with a ready-to-use double-ended dildo.
Plus, this method is great because it allows both partners to select a dildo size that works for them.
Butt plug and vibrator—if you don’t have a vibrating butt plug but you’re interested in feeling those sensations in your rear end, insert a regular silicone butt plug, and then press a vibrator against the base of that plug. The vibrations will carry through the plug and deliver extra sensation to the sensitive nerve endings around the anus, along with extra stimulation for the prostate or indirectly to the g-spot, depending on what anatomy you have.
Placing a small vibrator inside a strap-on harness – if you have a flat vibe (such as Wildflower Sex Enby 2), pebble vibe (like The Knude Society Gwen) or bullet-shaped vibrator, you can insert it into most fabric strap-on harnesses. Doing this adds extra stimulation for the person who is wearing the strap.
Use separate toys simultaneously—why does one person need to get all the pleasure? Use separate toys at the same time and put on a show for each other.
When it comes to pleasure, creativity and curiosity will take you a long way. Being ‘good in bed’ isn’t just about technical skill but about listening to your partner’s body and bringing an inquisitive attitude to play. I hope these tips will help you to see your sex toys with new eyes and, most importantly, to help you to have even more fun with them.