When you think of kink and BDSM, you probably think of it as a partnered activity. It’s certainly true that some kinky activities require a partner, or are at least easier with another person involved. However, this probably applies to far fewer activities than you might think, there are plenty of solo BDSM ideas to be enjoyed alone.
But what if you’re single, separated from your partner(s) by distance or circumstance, have a partner who isn’t into BDSM, or just want to add a little kink to your solo sex time in addition to the fun you have with other people? That’s where solo BDSM comes in.
With a little creativity and imagination, it’s perfectly possible to enjoy a fulfilling and sexy kink life all by yourself. You might even already be indulging in self-BDSM without even realising it. Dipping your fingers into hot wax, running your nails over your skin, tying your corset just a little tighter than necessary… all of these pleasure-seeking activities could be considered kinky or kink-adjacent.
Not sure where to begin? Here are just a few ideas to get you started.
And don’t forget to take a look at these delicious solo BDSM ideas from our erotic sex movies for some extra inspiration:
Self-Bondage
The term “bondage” is often used interchangeably with BDSM or kink, but it actually refers to a specific subcategory of kink: getting tied up or restrained and tying or restraining others.
If you’re a rigger or rope Top, self-bondage is a great way to practice your technique, improve your skills, and learn some new ties. Experienced riggers can even perform self-suspensions, though you should never attempt this until you have had suitable tuition and are confident in your skills. If you’re a rope bottom, self-bondage is a good way to enjoy getting all tied up and bask in the feeling of rope space (a form of subspace) and helplessness that comes from being bound.
If you’re doing self-bondage, it’s important to observe some basic safety protocols. Be careful not to bind yourself too tightly, as this can cut off your circulation, cause bruising or break the skin, or even cause nerve damage. Always keep a cutting tool (or key, if you’re using locking restraints such as handcuffs) within reach, as well as a phone so you can call someone for help if the worst happens and you get stuck. And, of course, never tie yourself up in a way you can’t get out of. Apart from ropes and cuffs, devices such as ice locks and time-release locks are great choices for safe solo play. Even corsetry can be a kind of bondage, if lacing yourself in tightly turns you on!
Never, ever tie ropes or other restraints around your neck. The overwhelming majority of fatalities from BDSM play gone wrong (88% according to one study) result from some form of strangulation. It’s just not worth the risk.
Solo BDSM Sensation Play
Sensation play is all about playing with different kinds of physical sensations, which may or may not include pain. Some common forms of BDSM sensation play include ice, hot wax, Wartenberg wheels (also known as pinwheels), electro-play, stroking with different materials, tickling (with hands or with other items such as feathers), and scratching (with fingernails or with other items such as vampire gloves).
If you enjoy any of these sensations or think you might, you can inflict any or all of them on yourself. Try out different sensations on different parts of your body, taking notice of what you like and don’t like.
Sensation play can be soft and sensual (stroking yourself with a piece of soft material, for example) or intense and even painful (pinwheels and hot wax on nipples or genitals, anyone?) If you’re not sure what you like, it’s a wonderful way to explore your preferences and limits. And once you do know what you like, it can make your solo sex time a whole-body experience.
Self-Imposed Orgasm Control
Orgasm control—having your pleasure controlled by someone else, your release theirs to give or deny as they see fit—strikes a chord with many kinksters.
You could get a chastity device and commit to wearing it for a certain amount of time. This is easier for folks with penises, as penis chastity cages are smaller, cheaper, and more practical for long-term wear, but it is sometimes possible for those with vulvas too. Don’t forget to keep a spare key (or several) and to clean your device regularly.
Why not set yourself a challenge, such as watching porn or reading erotica for a certain amount of time without touching yourself? You could set rules for yourself, such as that you will not masturbate for three days while keeping yourself as turned on as possible.
Edging is another great way to play with orgasm control. Edging simply refers to getting as close to orgasm as possible, and then backing off before you get there. You could challenge yourself to complete a certain number of edges, or just see how long you can go before you can’t stand it any more.
Pain and Pleasure
Not everyone who is into BDSM likes pain, but many people do. If you crave a little ouch with your pleasure, why not try doing pain play, such as impact play on yourself? You could flog, cane, spank, or paddle yourself. (It’s probably best not to try using a single-tail whip on yourself, though, as these toys can be very dangerous if mis-aimed even slightly.)
Self-inflicted pain play allows you to choose exactly the level of intensity you would like, to test your own edges and limits, or to try out different kinds of painful stimulation in a safe environment. If you want to start off gently, why not try something like pinging an elastic band against your wrist, digging your fingernails into a fleshy and sensitive area of your body (such as your inner thighs), or gently pulling your own hair.
Just as in partnered scenes, it’s important to take some steps to keep yourself safe if you’re doing impact play on yourself. Avoid areas such as the kidneys, spine, neck, face, and joints. Fleshy or muscly areas, such as the butt, thighs, and upper back, are the safest parts of your body to strike.
Apart from impact play, other pain-based activities you could do to yourself include painful rope, playing with clips or clamps, pinching, scratching, or pressure points.
Get Some Domination from Your Smut
If you enjoy erotic content such as visual porn, audio porn, or written erotica, you might want to seek out content created by Dominants that gives instructions to the viewer, reader, or listener.
One common type of content in this category is jerk-off instructions, or JOI, in which the performer guides you through masturbation (which may include orgasm denial or edging, if that’s a thing you’re into, but doesn’t have to). But there’s content of this type catering to many different kinks and fetishes—you just need to take a little time to look for it.
As always, seek out ethical content and be prepared to pay for it. You could even commission some custom content from a performer or creator you admire. This will give you the opportunity to get something that’s perfectly tailored to your kinks and fantasies.
Engaging with this type of erotic content is a particularly good option for submissives who are highly motivated by serving a Dominant or don’t get much out of self-motivated activities. But it’s a great choice for anyone who wants to bring a little more realism to their kinky fantasies.
Solo BDSM – Get Dressed Up
For many kinky people, dressing up in their fetishwear or kinky accessories helps them to get into a specific headspace for play. If this sounds like you, then you could try wearing those items for your BDSM masturbation sessions. Take some sexy selfies if you like, or simply admire yourself in the mirror and get turned on by your own image.
If you’re submissive, you might find that wearing a collar and leash or a pair of cuffs helps you to get into that headspace. If you’re a pet player, it might be a pair of ears or a tail. Latex, leather, lingerie, corsetry, rope garments (another form of self-bondage!), uniforms, suits, or fancy dress costumes connected to specific fantasies are just some of the other common types of fetishwear.
Set Rules, Rewards, and Punishments for Yourself with Solo BDSM
One thing many people enjoy about being in a D/s (that’s Dominant/submissive) relationship is the structure that comes from having a negotiated set of rules and protocols with corresponding rewards and punishments.
It takes discipline, but you can create something similar for yourself. To be effective, the rules should have a clear purpose, such as improving your health, improving your skills, or otherwise making your life better. Rewards should be something you genuinely want, and punishments should be things you want to avoid without breaking your hard limits.
Examples of rules might include eating healthily and exercising, drinking enough water, completing tasks from your to-do list, or doing self-improvement activities such as reading, practising a skill, or studying. Rewards might include masturbation or orgasms, extra time to enjoy a hobby or relaxing activity, favourite foods, or buying yourself a special treat. Punishments could include pain play, denying yourself something non-essential that you’d like, or boring and repetitive tasks such as writing lines.
Be careful about what punishments you play with—and if you play with punishment at all—if you have any struggles with self-esteem, self-harm, or self-hatred. The ultimate goal of all BDSM, including self-BDSM, is to have fun. If anything you are doing makes you feel bad about yourself, it is a good idea to step back and reassess if that particular activity works or is healthy for you.
To Wrap Up Solo BDSM…
Just as with partnered BDSM, there is no right or wrong way to be solo kinky! Think about what you already do or enjoy, and consider how you might adapt it to make it suitable for solo BDSM play. Then you can expand on that, or try new things. Hopefully this article has given you some ideas, but you probably also have plenty of your own.
Still need inspiration? Look at the toys or implements you already own, or consider things with a kinky eye when you’re out shopping. Solo BDSM ideas are everywhere!
Have You Done Self-Bondage or Self-BDSM?
If so, please share your ideas with us in the comments to inspire your fellow kinksters.
