EROTIC MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN AND COUPLES » Sexual Health and Wellness » In praise of non-penetrative pleasure

In the world of porn and visual erotica, you might sometimes feel led to believe that a penis in a vagina is the only way to ‘do sex right’. While good old PIV can be sensationally pleasurable and extremely hot to watch, there are so many other ways to ‘do sex right’ and have a lot of fun doing so. 

If your sex education has been lacking (and let’s face it, most of us fall into that category), you can bet it was very cis-hetero with the focus on NOT GETTING PREGNANT. There was little about pleasure, particularly female-focused orgasms, and it was always pretty much all over when the man in the room ejaculated.

Because of this limited pleasure vocabulary, many women might have never even known an orgasm was possible for them. A lot of others with vulvas who either were told about their pleasurable capabilities or found out by happy accident most likely did so by means other than putting a penis inside their vagina.

But what about people who don’t want to have anything inserted into their vagina or, indeed, those who can’t have anything inserted in their vagina? Does that mean they can’t be sexually orgasmic people?

The clitoral head is the part nestled at the top of the vulva, outside of the body, and therefore external stimulation can be more than enough to have mind-blowing orgasms. 

So, in a lot of ways, why bother with penetrative sex? 

Personally, I have always been able to make myself orgasm, but it has always been through external stimulation. As a result, I never thought that sex toys were for me as I knew I didn’t need anything internal to get to the sweet spot, and it also made me feel a little uneasy. I did love watching sex on screen, though! This is one of the reasons I invented my own range of grinders and ride-on non-penetrative sex toys to cater for people like me who might not enjoy penetration but still crave orgasms.

Why non-penetrative pleasure?

Certain conditions like vaginismus, where the vaginal muscles clamp shut as soon as anything is attempted to be inserted, mean penis in vagina sex can be impossible. Primary vaginismus is where you’ve always had the condition, even though you might only find out when menstruation starts when you try to use tampons or when you experiment with sex and masturbation. Secondary vaginismus can be triggered at any point in life. 

Because penetration can become impossible, it can lead to feelings of being broken, and your sex life becomes about what you can’t do rather than what you can. This can also lead to shame and sexual trauma, making the whole focus of your sexy fun fraught and peppered with the belief that you can’t ‘have sex’. 

Kat Wilson set up the extraordinary Vaginismus Network with her friend Lisa Mackenzie to offer a safe place for people living with the condition to connect and share their experiences. It’s been a lifeline to many, including Kat herself, who has found building and being part of this community extremely important.

“When I was in my late teens, early twenties, all I knew about sex is that it involved a penis going inside a vagina. Every representation I saw on TV, in movies or porn, and even listening to my friends talking about it in the pub, made me feel broken, a failure and less of a woman. Having a condition like vaginismus, where penetrative sex can be painful at best and impossible at worst, can leave you feeling very excluded from any conversations around sex. When I started to learn more about pleasure and change my perspective on what sex actually means (ie. it’s not just penis in vagina), everything changed for me. Having representation of non-penetrative sex on film and porn is a game changer for people with painful sex conditions. Seeing outercourse as the whole thing, and not just ‘foreplay’ can really change how someone feels about themselves and their sex lives.”

When you consider the research into how women climax, and those of us who know how to pleasure our own bodies, it seems ridiculous that penis in vagina sex has the most ‘publicity’. Indeed, it also explains the orgasm gap in many ways. If sex and sex education traditionally focus on male ejaculation and sex for procreation’s sake, who cares about the female experience right? 

This is one of the subjects that illustrator Hazel Mead tackles in her work. In her piece, Sex is more than just Penis in Vagina she gives examples of many other forms of sexual pleasure, from BDSMto cuddling and oral, Hazel’s drawings highlight sex education in an accessible and fun way. “As someone with vaginismus, and knowing plenty of other people who don’t want or can’t have penetrative sex, I truly think that having a more diverse representation of what else sex can be would make people feel less pressure and more normal. Sex can be many different things and doesn’t have to follow the same script every time.”

Hazel’s book, Why Aren’t we Talking About This? It aims to open up the discussions around so many things, including female pleasure and identifying what sex is and can be.

Of course, people with erectile dysfunction can also feel excluded from the sex and porn discussion, and because a penis in a vagina is the norm, for those who want to be sexual in non-traditional ways, better sex and pleasure education really does help everybody.

Taking into consideration what our bodies can be capable of in the sexual side of our lives can open up so many more experiences. For example, in our article from the incredible sex educator LolaJean on how to introduce prostate play we learn that ejaculation through stimulating the prostate (a walnut-like gland in the front wall of a penis owner‘s rectum), even externally through the perineum, can cause ejaculation and orgasm without an erection.

Looking at non-penetrative sexual pleasure and normalising it as fun, hot and satisfying is not just worthwhile but necessary.

There are so many conditions that can make penetrative sex impossible that it seems strange when you stop to think about it that it is traditionally the most popular form of sex. In a recent Instagram Live by Davina McColl and our friend Sam from Jo Divine, they had the most wonderful discussion on sex and pleasure after hysterectomy. Among many other things, they talked about when the removal of the womb and connective tissues takes place, vaginal atrophy can occur. Vaginal atrophy can cause shortening of the vagina and limit the depth of penetration. During recovery from these and many other women’s health issues, including birth and cancers, trying out and enjoying different kinds of sex is essential to keep you feeling that you’re still a sexual being, especially if your body has changed and you have to figure out your new normal.

While it can be one of the easiest parts of ourselves to let slip when we are facing changes in our lives, especially if our libido is dwindling, we encourage you to nurture that spark and take charge of your sexual self. And part of that might include watching some very hot Frolicme ethical porn that focuses on external stimulation and fantastic orgasmic experiences.

Erotic movies to enjoy featuring non-penetrative sex

Yes, Frolicme produces super sexy movies where pleasure and orgasms are a-plenty, but nothing goes inside anyone’s body, and they are damn hot!

First up, and one to turn the traditional heterosexual norm on its head. We have Down to Earth, a gorgeous, intimate scene of a couple having mutual masturbation sex. Almost fully clothed, our couple begin to manually please each other, beginning with her wanking him with her hands. Then, he sits behind his lover and pleasures her by rubbing her vulva and clitoris with his hands and a little extra help from a vibrator which he uses externally up and down her pussy. It’s such a tender and intimate scene, but it still packs a hot and sexy punch for our orgasm lovers out there. A key example of the pleasures of non-penetrative sex.

Or what about those other times in your life when you might feel horny AF, but penetrative sex might not be possible – for example, this glorious erotic film, Womanizer Fun, celebrates the horniness that can occur during pregnancy and the rush of powerful sex hormones. This scene shows the joy of masturbation with the air pulse toy, the Womanizer, that suckles on the clitoral head and is fantastic for inducing deep internal orgasms by stimulating the full clitoral body that runs deep inside the pelvis and around the vaginal canal without a single dip inside! This is a gloriously erotic film showing a woman giving herself over to her natural arousal and being treated to one of the longest orgasms we’ve filmed! Non-penetrative sexual pleasure at its very best.

Here are some other clitoral-focused films where penetration is most definitely a secondary consideration.

Our non-penetrative sex movies Orgasm Time and Good Vibrations both feature the joys of a powerful wand vibrator. We are big fans of these non-penetrative pleasure-giving sex toys here at Frolicme, as this review of the mighty Doxy massager shows, or check out more of our masturbation films

Pizza Pleasure proves just how saucy it can get when you’re rolling out your own pizza dough! This is a gorgeous female masturbation video where Suzie brings herself to orgasm over and over again in the sexiest way while cooking dinner. She uses the flat of her fingers to rub her clit to a body-shaking climax on the flattened-out pizza base. Then, she spies an alternative use for the wooden rolling pin, grinding and sliding the length of it up and down her vulva. A fabulous sensual feast of external stimulation where we also learn how to make pizza!

And it would be remiss of us to leave out our gentlemen callers! Watch our Aaron being treated to a lovely poolside wank in this glorious video, Handful or view more of our male masturbation movies.

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