How long should sex last? Most of us instinctively understand that there is no ‘correct’ answer to that question. However, for many of us—people with penises in particular—there’s still a nagging feeling that stamina is high on the list of desirable qualities in a sexual partner. Coming too quickly—often called ‘premature ejaculation’ if you have a dick—can sometimes be a cause of frustration, especially if you want to make sure that your partner has a chance to get off before you do.
Here is a guide on how to last longer in bed, so I’ll be giving you some tips on how you can go about delaying your orgasm. But it’s worth remembering that sex doesn’t need to end as soon as you’ve had an orgasm, anyway! Some of the advice below takes time to practice and perfect, so even if you can’t nail it the first time, remember that there are always other options on last longer in bed (manual stimulation sex toys, oral) if you’d like to prolong that intimate connection with your partner.
Why would you want to last longer in bed?
Growing up in a society which has certain beliefs about sex and relationships means we often pick up ‘scripts’ along the way. These scripts give us an outline of how we ‘should’ behave. Some are simple and mostly harmless: when you order a coffee, our societal script tells you to say ‘please’ and then ‘thank you’ when the barista hands over your cup. They’re like a shorthand for what to expect in everyday life. But our scripts can sometimes be harmful—if we’re led to believe there’s only one ‘right’ way to do something, we can end up with a lot of internalised shame about deviating from what we’ve been taught. And this can be especially damaging when it comes to sex.
Our standard sexual scripts tell us that the man (in this problematic script, sex is always between a man and a woman, both cisgender) should last for as long as he can to give as much pleasure to the woman as possible. Success in the bedroom is all about his performance. Him, lasting for hours, and her gratefully receiving several orgasms during penetration. However, just as I’m sure it’s obvious that sex isn’t about just one man and one woman, it’s also hopefully apparent that there’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to how long anyone should last. You might be a woman who prefers quickie sex and gets off reasonably swiftly. Maybe you’re a guy who isn’t getting enough time to reach climax. Perhaps you like to mix it up.
There are lots of reasons why someone might want to last longer in bed, but as always, when tackling topics on which our biased society has opinions, it’s always worth stating up front: there’s no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to have consensual sex, only what you and your partner(s) decide is right for you. Likewise, there is no ideal length of time for a shag to last—some of the best sex I’ve had has lasted mere minutes, but I’ve had other incredible sex that’s stretched out over a whole day (with breaks for water and snacks, of course, I’m not superhuman!). So this guide is intended to help you last longer in bed if and only if you want to—no pressure on you to change up your style if you and your partner(s) have a need for speed!
6 top tips to help you last longer in bed
Switch up position
If you find you need a steady, consistent rhythm or pressure in order to orgasm, lasting longer in bed can be as easy as just making sure to switch positions frequently. Ideally, you want to switch between positions which put pressure on different places, so if you find that the pelvic friction of close-quarters missionary is what does it for you, switch to something like doggy or reverse cowgirl, where the sensations will be completely different. Along similar lines, there’s always the option to…
Tease and edge
This is a technique that can take a while to master, but that doesn’t matter because practising is extremely fun, even if you don’t get the hang of it straight away. The aim with edging is to nudge yourself close to the ‘edge’ of orgasm (hence the name!), then pause until the need to climax has retreated before starting again. Not only will this help you to last longer, as you get yourself used to stopping when those pre-orgasmic sensations start to tingle in your genitals, it should also mean that when you do finally allow yourself to reach climax, the orgasm you experience will be significantly more powerful than it would have been had you let yourself go the first time.
Teasing is also a great technique to help you last longer in bed. Gentler than edging, teasing isn’t designed to get you close to orgasm, more just to build you up in very slow stages. If you want to make sure that your partner comes before you, the ideal solution is to find something that is genuinely arousing (and potentially orgasm-inducing!) for them but is technically a tease for you. So, for instance, I’ve personally had quite a lot of luck encouraging men I’m with to stroke themselves while I sit nearby grinding—either grinding on their thigh while they touch their cock or (advanced move, requires stability and practice!) kneeling over them so close that with each stroke the knuckles on their hand brush the wet slit of my vulva, and past my clitoris. Maddeningly teasing and frustrating for me, satisfyingly orgasm-inducing for them.
Sex toys
Not all kinds of sex have to involve your genitals directly, and they definitely can be non-penetrative. If you find yourself coming sooner than you’d like, one of my favourite recommendations is a strap-on. For me, if I’m wearing a strap on I’m unlikely to have an orgasm (because I have a vulva, so the strap-on doesn’t involve any direct stimulation of my sensitive clit or vagina), but I can enjoy every moment of the ride as I shag someone else towards their climax. Likewise, the other way round—strap-on sex has been a fun discovery for me with cisgender men who have submissive tendencies, or want to last longer themselves. Asking them to strap one on and have sex with me while their flesh penis is trapped behind the strap (or just tucked out of the way) hits my dominant streak and guarantees they aren’t going to come sooner than they’d like.
If your partner likes sex toys, it’s well worth having an expansive conversation with them about what kinds of stimulation they like best and how you might be able to help with it, then introduce toys to your sex play at various times. This isn’t so much about making yourself last longer as giving the pair of you (or more!) other things that you can introduce to the mix to give you bonus pleasure along the journey to orgasm. If sex is a train journey, and ‘lasting longer in bed’ means slowing down the train, using sex toys is the equivalent of hopping off the train partway through to explore an extra fun tourist spot.
‘Delay’ gels and creams which help you last longer in bed
These are usually marketed towards cisgender men who struggle with premature ejaculation (but, see above, who decides what’s ‘premature’ anyway?). However, the principle of them works no matter what your genitals look like—a numbing or cooling gel which you smear onto a penis before putting on a condom could also potentially be used on a clitoris or vagina, depending on the ingredients. The way these ‘delaying’ creams and gels work is usually by numbing the area you smear them onto, thus making it harder to orgasm and meaning you last a bit longer.
I would recommend being really careful if you choose to use these. The problem with numbing your genitals is that not only will you not feel the pleasure, but you could also potentially numb yourself to pain. If something is going wrong down there while you’re having sex—you need more lube to avoid raw skin, for example—it’s better for you to know while it’s happening so you can solve the problem. Numbing gels definitely shouldn’t be used for anal sex, where the delicate tissue can more easily tear.
A much healthier and more effective option exists for those of you with penises—thicker condoms! You can buy these in most decent pharmacies, and they may have names like ‘delay’ or ‘extra safe’.Check on the label that they don’t include numbing chemicals, as mentioned above, but many of them just come with standard amounts of lubricant to help you put them on (and for ease of entry), and you may find that the extra thickness of the sheath helps to delay your climax.
Masturbate before sex
This is a trick often recommended to people with penises who want to last longer—the classic film ‘There’s Something About Mary’ famously featured a man masturbating before his first date with Cameron Diaz so as to make sure he wouldn’t end up coming too quickly. This might be of use if you have a penis and, therefore, a refractory period which means you will find it more difficult to orgasm if you’ve already had one earlier that day. It’s not likely to do much for you if you have a vagina, though, and are capable of multiple orgasms. Personally, I find that masturbation only serves to heighten my general need for sex—the more I do it, the more I want it—so this trick might be best avoided if you’re in a similar boat.
Distract yourself
I’ve left this tip for last because although it can be really helpful in preventing you from coming too quickly, personally, I don’t like the idea of trying to mentally remove yourself from a sexual experience. Sex is meant to be fun! It’s meant to be a cool way to connect with your partner. If I were with someone who was struggling with premature orgasm, I would far rather try the teasing/edging technique above. Equally, take a break together to prolong things, or use sex toys or more non-penetrative play than just have them close their eyes and think about Excel spreadsheets or whatever it might be. However, if you are having sex and you feel you need to hold off, I have it on good authority that trying to remember Pi to as many digits as possible can help buy you a few extra seconds. Just remember to connect with your partner again afterwards, and remind yourself that even if you don’t last as long as you’d like to in bed, what matters is the quality: sex isn’t meant to be stressful. It’s supposed to be fun.
