EROTIC MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN AND COUPLES » Sex Tips and Insights » An introduction to rough sex & how to enjoy it safely

Rough sex still carries a massive stigma for those who enjoy or want to explore it. 

The feeling of shame that one may presume comes with being transparent about your interest in it, may be enough to turn someone off the idea – no pun intended!

Rough sex is not shameful.

Whilst, yes, slow, sensual lovemaking has its place, so does rough sex.

Rough sex can be super passionate, particularly intimate and a huge form of stress relief.

In fact, rough sex is a great way of spicing things up and can actually deepen your connection with your partner.

What is rough sex?

The truth is, that rough sex is subjective.

What one may deem as rough, another person may not, so before agreeing to engage in rough sex with a partner, its important you fully understand what their expectations are, as well as being clear with yours.

Communication, as always, is crucial.

Before anything else, everyone must be on board and consent is received. And just for clarity, consent is ongoing. It is more than just a simple “yes” before getting into it. In other words, all involved must remain enthusiastically in agreement with the events that are taking place.

Define it!

Rough sex is ultimately defined by the fact that some level of pain is administered in order to increase sexual pleasure.

Our personal definition of what constitutes rough sex varies.

Experiences, kinks, desires and thresholds all contribute to how we view it.

Whilst some may just want to be spanked, others may aspire to get lost in the feeling of being restricted by ropes and handcuffs!

There really is no specific way to have rough sex.

It’s definitely all down to the individual.

How to have rough sex?

Rough sex is still regarded as taboo for many, and thus there is a general reluctance to talk about it.

However, the fact is it is something practically everyone could enjoy if done the right way and with confidence!

Communication and safe words

As with all things sex (and life in general), communication is essential!

Having rough sex is more than just getting stuck into the nitty gritty.

It’s talking… a lot of talking!

It’s an exchange of thoughts, feelings and wants, as well as perhaps sharing reasons for your desires.

Establishing safe words or phrases is a necessary part of your communication.

In the BDSM world, safe words are considered code words or signals used to quickly communicate where someone is at mentally, emotionally and physically.

The traffic light system is possibly the most commonly used type of safe word because it’s easy. Saying green would indicate everything is OK, yellow or amber would suggest they’re not far off their limit and red would send a strong message to stop everything immediately.

Safe words also allow you to communicate other things like your need to take a break without any fuss.

Also, depending on the type of rough sex, you may want to agree on non-verbal safe words too.

An example of such could be shaking your head two or three times in quick succession.

Again, this would need to be established before engagement.

Establish your limits and boundaries

Once consent is established, you need to be clear on what you are happy to do and what acts are a no-no!

Make a list if necessary.

As formal as a list may seem, it allows you to clearly convey things you absolutely want to do, things you may be up for trying and things that sit outside of your comfort zone. Depending on the kind of relationship you have, it may be worth creating a ‘couple list’ too.

In reality, arousal can take us to dizzying heights, much like being inebriated.

This may result in us becoming detached from our true judgement and getting carried away with ourselves.

So, one of the huge benefits of being clear on our limits is the risk of doing something that goes too far or that you may regret is reduced enormously.

Create a safe space

Rough sex undoubtedly involves a level of trust because vulnerability is a huge part of it. Feeling relaxed and comfortable is conducive to creating a safe space.

Checking in with your partner during your session can help do this.

Another way of creating a safe space comes in the form of aftercare.

Whilst inflicting some level of pain in order to deliver sexual pleasure is the aim of rough sex, it’s essential that you emotionally reassure your partner afterwards.

  • Shower them with hugs and kisses.
  • Show them love and affection to let them know that they are safe and you care for them.
  • Aftercare provides you with the time you need to come down from any high that you may be on as a result of the interaction.

It’s also important to note rough sex has the potential to bring up other feelings, which may cause a change in emotions.

Allowing everyone in the room to unpack what these feelings may mean or how they impact, is vital.

Make sure you are sober

As much as it may be tempting to knock back a few for a bit of Dutch courage, especially if you’re about to get into rough sex for the first time…. don’t!

Always keep in mind; that one the most important factors here is consent.

If you are high or drunk, it’s hard to glean whether real consent has been given.

By remaining sober, you are compos mentis meaning you are fully aware and in control of your actions.

Anything you do will be done as safely as possible with full consent.

Things to do during rough sex

The list of ‘rough sex choices’ really is endless and absolutely dependent on how far you want to go.

Here are a few popular ways of indulging in rough sex.

  • Spanking

This can take place with an individual’s hand or with the use of an object like a paddle or flogger.

Before you begin, encourage an open and honest discussion about how you would like to be spanked or how you would like to administer a spanking.

Do all that you can to ensure everyone involved is on the same page at all times. This minimises the risk of any unsuspected surprises.

It’s probably a good idea to start off by warming up the area with gentle spanks and slowly build the intensity.

Pro tip: stick to striking the fleshier parts of the body like the bum or thighs.

The meatier the body parts are more equipped to handle the impact! Also, NEVER strike someone above the waist.

All vital organs, such as the kidneys, are situated in the body from the waist up. Spanking in this area could prove dangerous so avoid!

  • Biting and nibbling

There’s something animalistic about sinking your teeth into your partner.

It screams ‘insatiable’ and definitely implies ownership.

Some would even argue that it’s innate!

If you find yourself wanting to nibble on your partner… great but again, go for the fleshier areas.

If you want to graduate to actual biting, prep the area by kissing and licking.

When ready, you can start by keeping the bites quick and soft.

As you continue on, you may increase the pressure applied when you bite.

Pro tip: always stay tuned into how your partner reacts.

Sometimes when words fail, actions and facial expressions, don’t!

  • Scratching

The Kama Sutra has a whole chapter dedicated to scratching, which outline eight different types of nail marks.

It’s hard to argue with the fact that scratching is a good way of indicating how much passion you may be feeling towards your partner during an encounter.

Some people find nothing sexier than the feeling of nails clawing at their back or dragging their nails across their lover’s skin.

The sensation it causes has the potential to increase arousal. But do remember, if you are going to scratch, make sure your nails are maintained to avoid nicks and cuts to the other person’s skin

  • Bondage

Whilst Fifty Shades of Grey brought bondage into the mainstream, this activity is something that has featured in many an erotic novel over the centuries. 

In a nutshell, bondage is the restraining or tying/binding of someone for the purpose of stimulation.

Nipple clamps, blindfolds, handcuffs and ball gags are just a few items that can be used during bondage.

Pro tip: if you are new to bondage and want to explore, do so with someone you already know. Also, keep an open mind about what bondage could mean to you.

There are plenty of misconceptions that are bandied about, but ignore those. Simply stick to what you are comfortable with and communicate, communicate, communicate!

  • Choking (lightly)

First and foremost, choking carries an incredibly dangerous risk of serious harm. However, if you want to incorporate light choking during sex, before anything, have a conversation! 

It is vital you communicate exactly what you want.

It could be simply just a hand resting on your neck whilst being penetrated…be sure to be clear on that. Non verbal safe words are key here too! Read our article on safe sexual choking

Other ways to rough it up!

If the notion of spanking and scratching doesn’t do it for you, there are other not-so-hardcore’ ways of roughing it up!

Nibble each other lips or suck hard on your partner’s tongue during a passionate kiss.

Pull hair, grapple at each other to speed up the stroke during penetration.

Order each other around.

Throw a few insults.

The ideas are truly endless but as mentioned plenty of times over, always be clear on your boundaries and do not be afraid to use safe words or stop when things get uncomfortable.

Final thought

Whilst rough sex is an effective way to vary sex, it’s not for everyone.

This is a fact that must be acknowledged and observed.

More importantly, always stay aware of your mental health whilst indulging.

Observe what you feel and how different activities impact you overall.

If you find rough sex is having a negative effect on your mental health, consider connecting with a professional to help realign your body and mind in order to deal with any trauma that may be affecting you.

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One thought on “An introduction to rough sex & how to enjoy it safely

  1. Defining rough sex involves administering some level of pain to increase sexual pleasure. There is no specific way to have rough sex, but it can be enjoyed by everyone if done correctly and confidently. Establishing safe words or phrases is essential, such as the traffic light system, which can communicate mental, emotional, and physical states. Non-verbal safe words can also be used, such as shaking your head.

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