Masturbation. Wanking. Choking the chicken. Stroking the Gusset. Whatever you call it, it’s a pastime that we’ve been participating in for centuries. It can be fulfilling one moment, frustrating the next—and there can be some times when we just decide to give up and go and do something else! But can it be mindful masturbation?
Are you someone who has a tried and tested way of masturbating and is interested in trying something different?
Or are you someone who only masturbates because there isn’t much opportunity for ‘real sex’?
Or does your mind and brain sometimes get in the way of really connecting with yourself when all you want to do is let go into a delicious release?
As it’s Masturbation May here at FrolicMe this month, and I’m a therapist who has worked with both men and women to own and nurture their own individual sense of sexuality, I thought it would be fun to share how you can keep the fires of self-love burning.
I use neurolinguistic programming and hypnosis a lot in my work, which means that we identify and use the individual content of your mind and senses to work for you and not against you. Hypnosis is simply a heightened, altered state of being. You know those times when you come back down from an orgasm, and you don’t really know exactly where you’ve been? You’ve been in trance—entranced by the pleasure, the images, the sounds and the smells, released from the everyday world around you. That’s where I aim for my clients—and you—to be. And the best thing about it is that this feeling doesn’t have to be reserved for just when you come. You can achieve it before you even touch yourself, if you commit to making this mindful masturbation session a multi-sensory experience.
Using all of you
Multi-sensory masturbation engages all five senses, from an internal and external perspective. It makes use of your mind in a way that allows you to engage more deeply, not distract you from the experience. It also slows things down and draws things out, which enables you to engage mind, body and soul in the pleasure you’re giving yourself.
There is no finish line
We were discussing what we call masturbation earlier (and we’ll come back to that shortly), but my favourite phrases are ‘self-love’ and ‘honouring the self’. Even if there’s only a couple of minutes to hand for some naughtiness—and to be fair, that can be a turn-on in itself—treat your body with love, respect, even reverence. It’s a finely-tuned instrument that gives you pleasure on demand. Forcing it to make you come isn’t an act of self-love, and no wonder orgasms reached in this way don’t feel that great. And whilst ejaculation and orgasms are amazing, life-affirming experiences, there is no finish line when it comes to achieving sexual pleasure. Taking joy in the sexual space that you create for yourself can be accomplished long before the release comes—and in fairness, once you’ve come that usually means playtime is over for a wee while. Don’t chase a finish line. Immerse yourself in the joy of the journey.
Your brain is your biggest sex organ
A lot of my clients find it hard to get out of their own way when it comes to relaxing into any sexual experience. There can be an internal dialogue constantly playing that they can’t get away from. A lot of the time that can be due to trauma, and not just the sexual kind. If that is the case for you, it’s okay. There is a lot of help out there to help you disengage from that, my services included, and you’ll know when the time is right for you to seek help about it.
However, there are still many of us whose lives have become so busy that the internal dialogue about doing the dishes, what you should cook for dinner tonight or whether you even have time for a wank threatens to derail even the shortest and sweetest of masturbation sessions.
So, how about putting that busy brain to better use through mindful masturbation?
Attempting to ignore a busy brain and just hoping that your feelings will take over once your pants are down can work sometimes, but quite often ends in giving up or a joyless wank that feels more like an endurance sport than breathless playtime.
Having a multi-sensory/ mindful masturbation session will make your frankly very egotistical brain feel extremely important, because you will be tasking it with communicating and engaging with your five senses. Engaging this way will make your session last longer and more exquisite by fully immersing you in the experience. And because it’s been given such an important job, your brain will shut up.
The Five Senses from an external and internal perspective
We all know what the Five Senses are, from an external perspective anyway. But how often do we consciously think about using them from an internal perspective too? Here are a few ways in which we can broaden how we use our senses to create an immersive sexual experience all of our own:
Visual, external
What we look at: our environment—where turns us on most, or we’ve felt drawn to but haven’t tried? Films, pictures, anything you have a visual fetish for; how we are dressed (or not); our own bodies, our own expressions as we get turned on. And if you’re creative, write your own stories, draw your own pictures—look at what you can produce!
Visual, internal
Your imagination can be so rich, if you allow it to take the reins sometimes. Allow it to form pictures for you without censorship, knowing that it is simply theatre and will be left where it is—inside your head.
Auditory, external
What we can hear: sounds from our environment, eg, a creaking bed, the noise of a sex toy or the outfit you’re wearing moving against you; the noises you make—play with these: make more, less, or different ones, depending on your usual MO, the sound of your breathing.
Auditory, internal
Again, lean on your imagination here. What are you saying to yourself? What do you call what you are doing? Are you telling yourself a story? Playing parts? Can you hear somebody else’s voice or sounds? What can you hear in your head that is really turning you on?
Kinaesthetic, external
Kinaestethic is the NLP word for ‘feeling’. Externally it would mean fabric, material; the smooth sensation of a sex toy inside or around you; the coolness then heat of lube; the feeling of whatever you’re lying/standing/kneeling on, how your hands feel against your skin, inside your body… the list is endless.
Kinaesthetic, internal
This is all about engaging with our emotions. How does everything that you’re doing to, and for, yourself, make you feel? Where do you feel it? If you lean into it, does it increase the feeling?
Olfactory/Gustatory, external
Olfactory is smell, and Gustatory is taste. I have grouped these two together because most of us have a stronger preference for one of the three senses above, but these two should not be overlooked, especially in a multi-sensory sexual experience. Light your candles, get your favourite foods lined up. Smell them, taste them… how does your body smell the more turned on you become?
Olfactory/Gustatory, internal
An internal smell or taste asks us to draw from memory. Did you have a hot experience some time ago that you’re transported to with the taste of an olive or a whiff of petrol? Embody it and allow it to come to life through your entire body.
You’ll see from the list that you can’t have one of these senses without another, and you’ll already be leaning on one or two of them. Embrace every one of them, layer them in the special way that only you can. You’ll thank yourself for it.
Plan, Breathe, and let your imagination lead you.
A multi-sensory, mindful masturbation session requires planning, at least for the first couple of times
Mark out some time. Your unconscious mind loves it when you make a decision to do anything, and having some sexy time is no exception. You choose the timeframe: it could be in five minutes or hours in the future. But your engagement with it starts now. Tell yourself.
Before you start to engage in a multi-sensory way, make sure that your big busy brain is ready to be calm and quiet.
A simple but lovely breathing exercise is Square Breathing (you can use this any time you want to get your brain out of the way). Breathe in for a slowish count of four, letting your belly expand. Hold your breath for the same count. Exhale through the mouth for the same count of four, allowing the belly to retract. Hold for the same count once more. Bring your attention to the breath and the counting, nothing else. Continue to breathe this way until you feel the chatter subside. It usually quietens down after about four or five sequences, but if you need to do more allow yourself to—we’re all different.
Once you’re more peaceful, use the same sequence to breathe into your heart, then your belly, and then your penis or vulva. Really connect to yourself there. Then you can ask yourself how you’d like to play today…
Listen to what the deepest, most sumptuous part of you offers up to you as you wonder what form your session will take. Give up control to the whisperings. And revel in the self-love.
beautiful!
so beautiful