U up?: The perils (and pleasures) of embracing the booty call
What exactly is a booty call? Although the cliché is a simple ‘u up?’ text from an ex-lover in the wee hours of the morning, booty calls can come in all shapes and sizes—from the impulsive (and maybe intoxicated) voicemail at 2am to the long-winded email from someone you’ve not seen naked in years. The general understanding is that a booty call is any impulsive contact from an ex-partner that has the overt or subtle aim of tempting you back into bed. So: should you respond to a booty call? What are the ethics of making a booty call yourself? I’m here as your friendly neighbourhood sex lover to tell you that there’s no shame in making (or responding) to one yourself if you want to, but if you’re worried about the possible fallout of a requited booty call, let’s talk through some of the things you might want to consider before you hit ‘send’.
What makes a booty call different from other casual sex?
It’s generally accepted that a booty call is sex with someone you’ve already slept with before—this might be an ex, an old fuck buddy/friend with benefits (FWB), or even an old Tinder date that you thought was a one-night stand but who pops back up in your phone a little while later. The key difference between a ‘booty call’ and other casual sex is that, because you’ve slept with the person before, you already have a reasonably good idea what you might be letting yourself in for if you reply telling them to come on over. And therein lies both the benefit and (potentially) the drawback.
Responding to a booty call: the pros
Because you’re sleeping with a lover you already know, there are plenty of pros in terms of the sex itself: knowing someone a little means you might have an idea of the moves they like and any particular kinks or preferences they have as well as any red lines. One of the most tempting things about a booty call (in my opinion—I’m someone who tends to prefer sex in a long-term relationship over anything super casual) is that this person is likely to know your needs and preferences too. Not having to teach a casual lover that you enjoy this kind of touch, or that you prefer to use floggers for impact play rather than canes…
The other benefit of a booty call over a random one-night stand is rapport, which in my opinion should never be underestimated. No matter how good you are at seduction and small talk, there will always be elements of connection with a person that takes time to establish: in-jokes, gossip, preferences for which takeaway you’re going to get in after the sex… lots of things. When you accept a booty call from an ex-lover, these little details are all ones that can make the whole thing go a bit more smoothly and prevent you from having to mess around showing a brand-new stranger how to work your dodgy shower or explain to them how you take your coffee the next morning. In bed, this can also translate to a much higher level of intimacy.
Personally, if I’m lonely on an evening and hankering for sex with somebody, I rarely dream of strangers—I’m thinking about the men I’ve known and loved and the intimacy that it took us months (if not years) to establish. The pro of responding to a booty call from a bona fide ex is that you get to take a little holiday into the past when you loved and were loved. Of course, that is not without its drawbacks…
Responding to a booty call: the cons
Naturally the thing that looms large over any booty call is the potential drama or emotional fallout of it. There’s a world of difference between accepting a booty call from someone with whom you used to have a short-but-sweet FWB arrangement and one from someone with whom you had a long, involved relationship followed by a tortured break-up. Before making (or accepting) a booty call, it’s worth asking yourself the question: how will I feel about this tomorrow morning? Next week? In a month’s time? As a responsible and ethical person, you probably want to ask this question about your lover, too. Will they regret this in the morning? Or in a week? You are, of course, not responsible for your ex-lover’s emotions, but you do have a level of responsibility to try not to drop a sudden emotional grenade into their life, especially if you hurt them when the pair of you parted ways. So ask yourself—do I think this could reignite an emotional spark for either of us and if so… how do I feel about taking on that risk?
I’m not here to judge you or tell you how to live your life: it may be that you choose to risk the emotional fallout in order to have great sex. I’ve done this myself. An ex-partner and I used to yo-yo break up because we were so hot for each other, and the possibility of a booty call, or a sexy ‘I miss you’ text, or even a thousand-odd word sexy email sent in the middle of the night was just too much for either of us. Each time we did this, there would be a huge emotional fallout. And yet… I struggle to say it was a bad choice on either of our parts. We followed our hearts (and our lusts) and had a great time whenever we did this. So as I say, I’m not here to judge, I’m just asking questions that you might want to run past your internal filters before you decide whether to hit ‘send’ on that particular text.
The other thing to consider—particularly if you’re the one sending the text rather than responding to it—is how different your (and their) situation might be now compared to the last time you slept together. Might they have a monogamous partner now? How is their mental health? Are they in a place where a late-night message from someone they used to bone will be a thing they can take or leave from a place of consent and calm? As I say, I’m not here to judge, but these are all worth considering so you can weigh up the cons, as well as the pros, of getting back in that particular saddle, so to speak.
How to make the call
If you’re confident in getting a ‘yes’ and you know the target of your booty call is free, you might want to risk a ‘u up?’ text, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The best booty calls are ones which offer promise while giving the recipient a graceful and easy way out if their answer is ‘no’. So, rather than going straight for the proposition, a flirty-sounding message that leads to an offer later is (in my opinion) a far better strategy. Instead of ‘u up?’ or ‘want company?’ I’d recommend opening with something like, ‘I’ve been thinking about you—it’s been ages. How are you doing?’. Not least because it allows you to back away gently if their answer is ‘I’m good thanks! I got married a couple of months ago!’
There’s another benefit to making tentative enquiries (“How’s life been treating you?”) is that it gives your ex-lover the opportunity to make an overture if that’s what they’re interested in too. Sometimes, I’ve sent a tentative message to somebody, thinking I might turn it into a booty call if they’re up for it, only to find that they’re so amenable they end up making a move themselves.
Once you’ve connected and established that they might be in a position to respond to your overtures, that’s the time to hit them with your suggestion. And I’m afraid I can’t help you out on exactly how to word it—that will depend on you, your ex-lover, and the vibe you both used to have. I’m personally a big fan of bluntness, so for me ‘fancy a shag?’ wouldn’t seem out of place. But if you and your ex-lover used to focus on Netflix and chill, you might ask them ‘do you fancy coming around to watch some Netflix?’. If you used to listen to audio porn together, you could offer to come around and share something especially spicy you’ve been listening to lately. Regardless of whether you’re blunt like me or more subtle, I do always think that when you’re looking for sex, an element of directness is polite: it allows the person to weigh up exactly what’s on offer and give you genuine consent if they do fancy whatever is on the table.
Questions to ask yourself
- Did I enjoy sex with this person? Were there any problems I’d prefer not to have to deal with again?
- Do I think I can have sex with this person again without causing them (or me) emotional harm?
- Will there be any wider fallout, for instance within a friendship group (or work)?
- If there is risk from one of the things above, will the sex be worth that risk?
Ultimately, I’m never going to tell you what to do with your sex life—if a booty call sounds tempting to you, and you’re happy to take on whatever risks there might be, then I wish you well. Having impulsive, hot sex with someone who knows your body (and whose body/style you know and want too!) sounds like a fabulous way to spend an otherwise free evening. So if you’re one of my exes and you’re reading this, then… well… you know where to find me.