With all the wonderful sexual exploration and focus on open relationships, consensual non-monogamy, swinging and more, it could be tempting to think that by being in a long-term monogamous relationship you might be missing out on something, or be perceived as a bit… boring.
What happened to those youthful ideals of freedom, joy and sexual abandon?
Well, let’s start by stating the obvious first. Who gives one fuck what ‘other people’ think of your relationship. Chances are, not one single soul has given it a fleeting thought that your monogamy is boring. It’s the old FOMO rearing its annoying head.
Of course, with these other styles of relationships being shown more often in the mainstream media, it can be hard not to think you’re missing out. Wife swapping parties no longer consigned to dingy locations where keys were thrown in pots, no, there are hundreds of apps to easily find an extra lover to join your world at the swipe of a finger. Why settle for just one when there’s so many at your disposal?
Monogamous relationships – is it enough?
With all these ways of being out there, we’re asking if it’s possible to have a happy contented monogamous relationship in our times of having it all.
I caught up with Dawn Thomson a sex and relationship coach to ask what tips she had for keeping our eye on our own ball and valuing what we’ve got at our very fingertips… Is monogamy dead? Or can we indulge in all the good sexy things with just one other soul?
“It’s true that sex in a monogamous relationship risks becoming more like a comfort blanket after a while than satin sheets. But just because you have chosen to spend your days (and nights) with one person exclusively doesn’t mean that you have to put up with bland, passionless sex once you’ve been together for a long time. Regular sex with the same person can stay hot, dirty and wonderful over decades, given the right conditions.
“So how do we keep the thrill alive?
“I always encourage my clients to see their relationship as something that they have created together and contribute to, and to not lose sight of the fact that they are an individual. The best sex is a moment where two individuals share something beautiful together, not two people who have merged so completely that the thrill of fucking someone unfamiliar is lost.
“Don’t do everything together, and don’t feel you have to share every bit of minutiae with your partner; it’s not good for your sex life. Keep your sense of individuality alive, and honour that in your partner too. It’s not only good for your sense of self—it’ll drive your partner wild with desire.
“With the emotional security that monogamy brings, you’re now in a perfect position to deepen trust. Knowing that you can rely on your partner to keep you safe and secure can allow you to share your deepest desires; being securely held means you can truly fly.
“The safer you feel, the more you’ll let go!
“Trying new things together in a spirit of curiosity and adventure, rather than just doing it to please the other (believe me, they’ll be able to tell) is where monogamous sex really comes into its own. Bringing new experiences or different dimensions into your bed deepens the connection you have between you, helping you discover new things about yourselves and each other in a safe, held way.
“Remind yourself there is a reason why you picked this person to share your life exclusively. Take time to appreciate them. Really look at them and be sure to remember what turns you on about them—big hands? That smile? Recall how their breath feels against you, how they toss their head. Savour it. They’re hot. Unffff!
“Be grateful for the person they are, and the time they’ve shared with you. Be open and receptive to their desires, and be confident to share your own—because far from being routine, monogamous sex can take you to blissfully sensuous places you would never have reached without the time and experiences spent in the bedroom together.”
Yes I am monogamous and write about sex
LittleSwitchBitch is a sex blogger who specialises in writing sex toy reviews and blogs about BDSM and sexual wellbeing. Sometimes it’s easy to assume people who write and talk about sex could never have just one partner to satisfy their seemingly voracious sexual appetite. They seem so wild and ‘out there’, so open and free with their sexuality, how can they possibly be monogamous? Surely one person could never be enough?
Well, it’s a joy to hear from LSB and her husband who have been happily married monogamous lovers for over a decade.
“When the FrolicMe reached out to ask me about being monogamous and keeping things spicy, I asked my husband for his feedback back too.
“We both found it hard to find things that were specifically aimed at monogamous folks… With each idea, we both felt it was inclusive to folks who are polyamorous too so we kinda failed the task.
“None the less though we are still happy to share our feelings.
“Firstly, never stop having a giggle. We have been together for over 13 years and in that length of time, regardless of if it is in the bedroom, during a heated BDSM session, or snuggled on the couch together, giggles are never that far away.
“This brings us to our tip 2. Don’t take sex too seriously. The more you overthink something, the more anxious you become. There are times where my husband has grabbed onto my pubic mound and held me there, bound and unable to move, and asked me to purr for him, telling me what a good little pussy I am… All while I giggle at how silly I sound.
“Finally, our last tip is to constantly communicate. Something that once felt good, might not anymore—or perhaps you really want to try this or that… We are evolving beings and sexuality is fluid, but equally so are our needs and our wants. None of us are mind readers. We can’t get in a huff because our partner doesn’t do this or that, maybe they don’t know! Tell them and have fun exploring.”
Let’s look at the benefits it can bring
Kate Moyle is a Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions Podcast, she offers some great perspective on what being in a monogamous relationship can bring, together and as individuals.
“One of my favourite quotes from Esther Perel is, “Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew—or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.” I think that when we think about it this way, we can change the way we consider monogamy to a continuous chance to work on ourselves and our relationship, to explore and to grow. We also talk about the attachment paradox which is the irony in that the more securely attached we are the more independent we can be, and so, in fact, a committed relationship can offer us more security and opportunities.
“We are often exposed to messages about monogamy, which has historically been a ‘standard’ but that it almost comes at a price—that sex will decrease over time, we need to mix it up, that divorce rates are at an all-time high, and that it’s tough to be with one person for a long time; all of those things, of course, are true—but we also have a choice not to let them define us. We can have different hobbies, engage in a range of sexual experiences including sex lives with ourselves, have different friendships and groups, different career paths and so many more. Monogamy means one partner not that we have to be the same or matched in every way. It doesn’t have to be boring, as variation isn’t just limited to the difference in or the number of partners that we have.”
So the big advice here is not to see your monogamy as boring or dully predictable, but to view it as a strength. Monogamy, in particular long-term, is an opportunity to get really deep into yourself and be brave enough to open up to each other. To keep deepening that intimacy between you is a long journey so be sure to remember who you’re with and why you’re with them.
We are constantly evolving beings spiritually, emotionally and physically, it’s a life’s work to even know ourselves—the chances are, your partner will have surprises and also want to explore and learn. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to know and evolve together with the deepest of freedoms underpinning your journey—trust.
And remember—you’ve already done all the hard work, you don’t have to use up precious time learning all the nuances and quirks of another—and as Dawn Thomson says, knowing someone so deeply means now you can truly fly!