Menopause and Perimenopause are tricky times in a woman’s life. As a fifty-year-old woman going through it, I totally understand why it used to be called ‘The Change’ years ago. It feels as if your body is waging war on you. Interrupted sleep, hot bits that used to be cool, dry bits that used to be wet. The worst of it all, a foggy mind and moods that fluctuate so quickly that you’d actually be quite concerned about all of it. If you could, in fact, be bothered to muster up any energy…
For me, the most interesting aspect of Perimenopause (the years in which your fertility declines) is how it has affected my sex life and my thoughts on what being less fertile means. I have always considered myself a sexy, sex-positive person, and in my work, I help people to rediscover their sexual selves. I’ve been intrigued by how much store I had set on my ‘sexiness’. Who would I be now, if I was no longer able to bear children? Because let’s face it, at the bottom of it all sexiness equates with fertility. You’re juicy, supple and vibrant in your child-bearing years. Why? To make sure that you and the next hunter-gatherer that comes along who you take a fancy to will create the next generation. But what happens when the juice dries up, you’re starting to creak a little bit and a nice nap sounds like the best option?
The first thing I did was recognise that The Change could actually be a good thing. It has given me space to allow me to see myself and my desires in new ways, and that process has been positively liberating for me. Since I was going through all these changes anyway, I wondered what I could discover about myself sexually that would make this journey the start of something new. Here are some tips based on what I found:
1- Be Sexy For You – Placing Importance on Your Own Gaze
I have to admit it, but the thought of no longer being considered attractive by random guys made me really quite sad. I’ve had my fair share of attention over the years (unwanted as well as desired, it should be said). The prospect of no longer being front and centre in the male gaze touched a hot button in me that I have worked on for decades—the need for external validation.
So in this space, where I worried that I would no longer ‘be sexy’, I decided to reclaim what it means—on my own terms and nobody else’s. Not even my partner’s. Every morning I stand in front of the mirror and give myself a huge compliment, whether it be on my hair, my smile, or something racy that I’ve just thought of. I inhabit my sexy self whenever I can. I really fancy me. And I love it. It’s something we can all benefit from, but especially in peri- or post-menopause.
2 – Put Diminished Energy to Good Use
Your energy can become somewhat limited during the Menopause. The great thing about that is you start giving less of a shit about things. This has been a game-changer for me, as I am somebody who had always cared about other people’s opinions. This allows for so much freedom in so many ways, but particularly as a reminder that the best way for me to create more energy is through sexual pleasure! I don’t know about you, but having an orgasm always sets me up for the day…
The other thing that no longer giving a shit does is, it gives you a voice—your own. You no longer stand for things that you might have put up with previously, or you feel braver to ask for something that you might not have been able to before. Just be sure that you communicate it in a gentle, playful way—you never know what might happen! I have become more confident in suggesting certain things in the bedroom; some have flown, some haven’t. However, I’m proud to be displaying my sexual confidence in this way.
3- Honour Your Body
As my child-bearing years come to an end, I’m honouring my body more. I really appreciate all that it’s done for me, my partner and my family in the past and I want to give it pleasure as a reward. Honouring the fact that things are changing has led me to revisit sensations and experiences that I had perhaps overlooked or decided that I didn’t like before, and WOW! I enjoy so many more of them now. It’s a wonderful surprise to discover the new ways in which your body responds as it goes through these changes. For example, when I’m alone I’ve found even touching myself differently. A tweak of a nipple instead of a stroke—makes me hotter than the tried and tested moves I once used. And a big plus of getting older is that you orgasm quicker, so edging becomes even more intense. Being in a vibration of deep honour and appreciation makes every sexual encounter even sweeter for me. And after two kids, my body deserves it, dammit!
4- Let Yourself Feel More
Brain fog can also be a blessing. I used to pride myself on my razor-sharp mind. But as it has become a little fuzzier I have started to enjoy not thinking all the time and just allow myself to feel more instead. Vaginal dryness is a real thing. To help offset that I engage all my physical senses to ensure that my sexual experience is as rich as it can possibly be. Thinking about what I want to do to my lovely man-hours before he gets home. Then watching his—and my own—body move. Taking in every moan or word, savouring every taste and noticing every touch, means that I surrender to pleasure in ways that I never thought I would.
By making sex more multi-sensory, I am staying in the moment much more often. This has meant that my sex life is hornier, more intense and satisfying than it ever has been before.
5- Use it, Don’t Lose it!
I have read many articles about people who are frustrated because their perimenopausal partner no longer wants to have sex. Comments citing that they’re too old or that it just isn’t of interest to them anymore. I did worry that a dip in libido was happening to me, but I decided that menopause didn’t have to mean the death of my sex life. I took radical steps to masturbate every other day, if not every day. My body’s responding differently, but delightfully. If you don’t use it, you’re going to lose it. That would be anathema to me. And remember, there’s no shame in a little assistance in the lubrication department. Lower estrogen means you may not be quite as juicy as before.
And as I have allowed myself to focus on sex on a day-to-day basis, it means that I respond to my partner more quickly, ready and fully engaged. What I love most about this, though, is that I’m not doing this just to continue to have great sex with my partner. It also means really enjoying those lovely times of self-pleasure too. My imagination is my biggest sex organ. So reading fabulous erotica, writing my own porn stories and immersing myself in fantasy reminds me that my body is working just fine, thanks! Yes, your child-bearing years may be coming to an end, but your sexuality and sex life don’t have to!
We can all remain juicy, supple and vibrant in Perimenopause and beyond. It’s a time for erotic reinvention. Embrace the change.
Funny, I’m 50 and how my body is doing what it should have premenopausal. And in my 20 30 and 40s you would think I already went through menopause with no real sex drive. Talk about a waste ugh!