Curious about the swinging lifestyle? Want to know more about getting into swinging? Let’s look at some fun facts so you and your partner can get started.
Many of us have likely heard of the swinger lifestyle, but how much do we really know about it?
The adult swing lifestyle is defined as groups of consensual singles or couples enjoying sex or other sexual activities with one another. Couples are often married, but every level of an intimate relationship is welcomed.
So what is different about swinging life to say, non-monogamy or polyamory? Well, the main feature of swinging is the focus on physical and sexual gratification rather than emotional connection. Of course, couples and people who have been in the swing lifestyle for a long time may develop a deeper relationship, but for most, it is all about recreational sex.
The idea of swinging can be exciting. Even if you’re in a committed and monogamous relationship, it’s completely natural to be curious about what it would be like to include other people in your sexual adventures. If you’re considering exploring swinging, this swingers101 guide will help you navigate through the various aspects and considerations when introducing recreational sex with others into your committed relationship.
What is swinging?
Swinging can take on different meanings and different scenarios for different people. It offers individuals within a committed romantic relationship the ability to explore their sexuality and fantasies in a consensual and fairly controlled way. Swinging is sometimes known as wife swapping or husband swapping and is really exactly that – exchanging partners specifically for a sexual encounter. Swingers refer to their sex life with multiple partners as being ‘in the lifestyle’.
Swinging includes a variety of subcategories. Partner swapping is common, but so are threesomes. A threesome would involve you and your partner and another person enjoying sexual activities together. There are also non-monogamous relationships, whether that includes two or more people in a relationship together, where they might choose to have a level of or complete openness in their relationship where they can explore sexually with other people. There are many types of swinging and non-monogamous arrangements that work well for a lot of people.
Partner swapping
Partner swapping is where you and your partner swap with another couple to enjoy sexual adventures together. It can be done in the same room as your romantic partner while they have sex with someone else, or you might choose to go into separate rooms. Of course, as with every sexual act, the number one rule is communication. You have to set your boundaries and make sure you have a signal for if either of you needs to stop or leave. It’s all about deepening trust and intimacy where you can push and play out your sexual fantasies in a safe and consensual way.
Swinger parties offer couples the opportunity to sexually engage with other people, whether that be other couples or singles. But they also give you the chance to be sexual with each other in front of other people.
One or both of you may prefer to only have sex with each other at a swinger’s party, finding it stimulating enough to be watched by others as you watch them. Or you might each be comfortable exploring partner swapping. Whatever you choose, it has to be a mutual decision so you can both enjoy the adult swing lifestyle to the fullest.
Soft swinging
Soft swinging is where you might partake in sexual acts at a swing lifestyle party, but there’s no actual penetration. This could mean you don’t swap partners at all, or you do swap partners with agreed limits. If partner swapping does happen, soft swinging stops short of penetrative sex, whether strap-on or penis in anus or vagina. Most anything else goes – kissing, masturbating, watching, manual stimulation and oral sex, if that works for you, your partner, and the other swingers.
Hard swinging
In the adult swing lifestyle, hard swinging is where you and your partner agree to have consensual penetrative sex with other people. This could just be one other person as part of a threesome, another couple you are partner swapping with, or multiple people at a party where you can go as far as you want with your partner and other people. Oral, anal, vaginal, toys, body parts and all the combinations of these.
Threesomes
A threesome involves you and your partner inviting a third person to join you for sex. Threesomes can be arranged in advance or happen naturally with someone you and your partner meet. The ground rules of a threesome depend on what all people included want to do. You and your partner might choose to only have sex with each other while the third person stimulates either one or both of you. In other cases, only one of you might choose to have any type of sex with the other person or you might both want to. Bringing a third person to join you and your partner sexually is a common activity in the swinging life and can be a good way to explore your sexual desires together.
Hotwife sex and cuckolding
Hotwife relationships can take varying forms, but in a heterosexual partnership, it generally means that in the relationship or marriage, the wife has the freedom to have sex with other men with the support and encouragement of her husband. Her husband, referred to as a ‘stag’ might get off on the fact that his wife is having sex with another man, or ‘bull’. The hotwife dynamic can mean the husband gets to watch his wife and her lover, or wait for her to return from her date and titillate him by recounting every sordid detail which can be a big turn-on for both parties. It very similar to a cuckold relationship, but with cuckolding the power is more with the woman, or cuckoldress. She is the one who enforces or instigates the sexual relationships with others, whereas with hotwifing it is almost as if the husband is ‘offering up’ his wife to other men. Hotwife and cuckold relationships in a lot of ways about exploring emotional dominance and the thrill of doing something seemingly ‘taboo’ but within the boundaries of a stable partnership.
Who can be a swinger?
Anyone with an interest can join the swinger lifestyle community, for example:
- You have a partner and want to explore sexual experiences with another person or several other people together,
- You are in a partnership and are interested in partner swapping,
- You are single and would enjoy meeting other couples or individuals specifically to engage in arranged non-exclusive sexual encounters.
Couples are typically in a committed relationship and both parties are looking for forms of recreational sex to enjoy with others.
There is a growing interest in female-focused swinging parties. Websites like Killing Kittens offer a great opportunity to connect with other sexually curious women, whether single or part of a couple. Their app connects anyone who is hoping to date casually, find friends, kink partners, or even long-term relationships. They also host a variety of adult events, playing a key role in the sex club scene alongside Skirt Club, who host adult parties for bisexual and bicurious women wanting to explore their sexuality in a same-sex space.
Age isn’t really a problem either, so long as everyone involved is of the legal age of consent. Some figures suggest most swingers in the UK are over the age of 40. But this doesn’t mean couples in their 20s, 30s or above aren’t active in the adult swing lifestyle.
What are the rules of swinging?
As with most kink communities, there are ground rules. Make sure to brush up on the swinging etiquette before you ease your way in. The rules for the swinging lifestyle can vary depending on which party you’re invited to, who’s involved, and who is hosting. It’s probably a good idea to let the host know that you’re new to the scene so you can be made to feel welcome and be properly informed of their individual party rules and swingers 101. In general, it’s good to stick to these four considerations:
Confidentiality
One rule that generally applies to all swinging groups is confidentiality. Just as you would never out someone for their sexuality, you should also never out someone for their swinging life. Let’s say you bump into someone you’ve been swinging with at a bar – even if they’re not with anyone else and you’re sure no one can hear you, it’s best not to mention how you know each other.
Photography
Photography and videography of any kind are usually off-limits as well. Some groups might enjoy making films together, but this would have to be a pre-arranged conversation with everyone involved. Keep your phone away while at the party.
Safe sex
Contraception and safe sex protection is of utmost importance. Some party hosts might insist you and your partner are tested for sexually transmitted diseases before meeting up, which is advisable for most couples anyway. However, even with negative tests, it’s still a good idea to use condoms, dental dams and other barrier modes to reduce the chances of contracting or spreading anything unexpected. Far from a passion killer, condoms show you take your own and your potential play partner’s safety seriously, which in itself can be a turn-on, and using them can be incorporated into your sexual activity in a playful and fun way.
Personal boundaries
Individual swingers may also have their own personal rules. Couples might choose to not kiss other swingers, for example, to hold a level of intimacy that’s just for them. Some swingers may set strict rules about anal sex or where they can be touched. In some cases, other swingers might not want to have sex with you or your partner, which is absolutely fine. The key to swinging is setting and respecting boundaries while leaving enough space for everyone to have fun in a consensual way.
How to get into this lifestyle
Now you’ve had a breakdown of what swinging is, you might feel ready to embrace the swinger’s lifestyle yourself.
First things first, talk to your partner. Be honest and relaxed with them as you explain why you would like to try swinging. Is it a fantasy you’ve always had? Do you think it could help spice up your sex life? You might even feel it could improve your trust in one another. Because swinging involves having honest conversations and working on your trust for the other person, swinging can actually benefit relationships. If you think this might be the case, then let your partner know.
Tell them your thoughts and listen to theirs. Respect their position if they aren’t ready. Some partners might not be into it, while others might quickly pick up what you’re trying to articulate.
Finding other swingers
Once you and your partner have agreed it’s something you would like to try, the next step is finding other swingers. Sometimes it’s as easy as being invited to a swinging party. But for those who don’t personally know anyone who is in the scene or openly a swinger, your best chances are looking for groups online.
Apps and groups like Fab Swingers mean you can open up a dialogue with like-minded couples ahead of actually meeting so you can get a feel for whether you will get on in real life.
Setting up an informal meeting to test the chemistry is a great idea before launching into an expectation filled night at a full-on swinging party.
This will not only determine whether you have that all-important sexual connection, it will also build anticipation for the real event, giving you lots to builds excitement with.
Even if you do find yourself at a party, you shouldn’t feel pressured to have sex with other partners unless you feel comfortable doing so. You might like the idea of simply having sex with your partner in the setting of a swinger party. Testing it out to see if you might like to take things further another time. There might be rules around how long you can keep coming to parties and being the voyeur though so make sure you know about these ahead of time, so you’re not left feeling uncomfortable.
If you’re wanting to start out with just one other couple, you may find them on dating platforms like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. There are plenty of like-minded couples who also want to experiment with other people, so keep an eye out while you scroll. This does take away some of your privacy as a swinging couple, however, as people you might know could come across your profile. If you and your partner are comfortable with that, it could be a good place to start.
For a more discreet route that connects you directly with other swingers, you can find websites that point you to the right couples. Swinger Zone lets you input your sexuality and couple status so you can easily find other swingers near you who are looking for the same experience. The Swinger Connection allows you to create a unique profile that can be discovered by other swingers. You can even video chat and message your new prospective playgroup to discuss boundaries and expectations before you meet.
There’s also several UK festivals for swingers. Swingfields is a three-day festival that welcomes all swinging lifestyle groups. As well as music and dancing, there are plenty of spaces and opportunities to play with other swingers.
If you feel ready to step into the adult swing lifestyle, go for it! As long as you and your partner have fun, there’s nothing stopping you from exploring the swinging scene.