No matter how experienced you are in dirty sex talk, when someone springs a request that you talk dirty, in the heat of the moment it can often be difficult to respond. What if you can’t think of any kinky things to say? How do you know your partner’s turn ons and turn offs? Improvisation is a skill and talking dirty in bed isn’t exactly something that we’re all given lessons on at any point. But don’t panic! It’s a skill that can easily be learned or improved, so we got expert erotic creators to set their minds to writing a guide to talking dirty in bed that will take you from beginner to advanced in no time.
Dirty sex talk can enhance any kind of sexual relationship—a casual fling, a long-term relationship that could do with some extra spice, or even a long-distance relationship where you’d like to whisper hot things down the phone. And practising dirty talking in bed can also give you a benefit in other areas too. Our [dirty text messages guide] will give you some sexting guidance, but the contents of this guide will be helpful in messages and emails too. Dirty talk for him, for her, for them and for everyone: whether you’re looking for techniques to help you gain confidence when talking dirty in bed, or you’d like to level up from the same few phrases and themes you use at the moment, or even if you’re just after examples of kinky things to say, we’ve got you covered.
What is dirty sex talk?
You don’t need to be able to spout a perfectly-paced erotic story while you’re getting hot and heavy: dirty sex talk includes any and everything you might choose to say during sex. From simple one-word encouragement like “more” and “harder” to more involved chat about fantasies.
Here are a few examples of dirty sex talk. As you read through them try to think about your expectations of what “talking dirty in bed” means to you, and which of these your mind immediately goes to when someone suggests talking dirty:
- Two people are in bed together, having passionate sex, and one of them is talking dirty by narrating what’s happening: “You’re so hard, that feels so fucking good. I love the way your cock feels inside me.”
- During oral sex, the person receiving is giving brief but enthusiastic verbal encouragement: “good, yes that’s it—oh that’s good, yes.”
- Two people are communicating back-and-forth, more like a dirty sex talk conversation: “Do you like that?” “Oh yes I love that, God you feel so good.” “I love it when you grip me tight and squeeze, it makes me harder.”
- One person is telling the other a story—like a shared fantasy, they’re painting a scenario that involves them both. “Imagine if, while we were fucking like this, there was a crowd of people watching us. Just standing around the edge of the room, whispering encouragement and touching themselves. Maybe, while I’m pleasuring you with my hands like this, you get to select one of them to join in…”
- Two people are writing a shared story together. Like the example of dirty talk above, but with more of a back-and-forth. “So you select one of the people to join in…” “…and I know how much you’ve always wanted to get head from two men at once, so I choose someone I know you’ll like…” “… and you beckon them forward and tell them ‘here’s how she likes it,’ like you’re giving them instructions…”
How did those dirty sex talk examples make you feel? Was there one in particular that stood out as the kind of thing you want to be able to do? If you aren’t sure, or you find more than one of them compelling, share the list with a partner and ask which kinky things to say really stuck out for them. If your boyfriend has asked you to dirty talk for him, he may have one of these scenarios in mind, and to women “talking dirty during sex” might mean something incredibly specific too. On the other hand, they might not be quite sure themselves, and could enjoy exploring a range of these options so you can find out what feels most natural to both of you.
When we’re trying to narrow down the question “what is dirty sex talk?” it’s important to remember that—as with anything sexy—there is no right and wrong way to do it. Only what feels right and hot to you and your partner(s). Any and all of the examples above are legitimate ways of talking dirty in bed—some will come more easily and instinctively to you than others, and some take a bit more practise. We’ll come on to the hows in a second, but first let’s tackle the whys.
Benefits of talking dirty in bed
If you’ve never done much talking dirty in bed, you might feel a little silly embarking on dirty talk for the first time, but nurturing your seductive voice and sexy vocabulary can have huge benefits for your sex life and relationship communication more broadly.
Firstly, speaking up and articulating what you like in bed, and how you like it, is a fabulous way to enhance any sexual act by giving confidence and joy to your partner. Whether you’re telling someone how much you love what they’re doing with their fingers, or waxing lyrical about how good their pussy feels around your cock, or just expressing which parts of their body you find most beautiful, being given this kind of complimentary feedback is a huge confidence boost.
Too often problem pages are filled with people asking how to encourage their partner to try out a new kink, or give them oral sex more often, but this is often an example of tackling the problem from the wrong angle. Don’t tell your partner what they’re doing wrong, tell them what they’re doing right. After all, someone will probably be more inclined to get hot and heavy with you tomorrow if you tell them what you loved about what they did today, and how good they are at doing it. One of the key benefits of talking dirty in bed is that you add an extra layer of pleasure to your partner’s experience: giving them praise and encouragement throughout. And we all love to be praised!
The second key benefit of talking dirty in bed is that you’re opening up a new channel of sexual communication. Not just finding out what your partner likes, but which words they prefer to use for parts of the body (are they a ‘pussy’, ‘vagina’ or a ‘cunt’ person? ‘Cock’ or ‘prick’ or ‘dick’? ‘Tits’ or ‘breasts’?) but which parts of their and your body they find sexiest. If you are talking about fantasies together, you get to learn a little more about the things your partner might like to try, or the reasons why they are so into their particular kinks. You might know that they like spanking, for instance, but dirty talk can help you learn exactly why they like it: is it specific pain sensations, or more about the vulnerability, or even because they enjoy the challenge of taking a specific number of smacks?
Whichever direction your dirty sex talk takes, good dirty talk for him, her and everyone will always guide you towards a deeper understanding of your partner(s)’ sexual desires. This deeper understanding not only goes a long way to bringing you some mind blowing sex, but can also strengthen your trust and intimacy. After all, it can be daunting to share your inner most fantasies and desires.
How to start talking dirty in bed
All good sex guides should begin with the c-word—consent—and this one is no different. Before you dive in to the world of dirty talk, check in with your partner about some of the detail. One of the reasons dirty talk can be tricky is that one person’s yum is another one’s yuk, and not everyone finds the same words and phrases sexy.
Some straight women talking dirty during sex might like using words like ‘daddy’ to refer to their partner, while others will find it a turn-off. And their partners will each have word preferences too. Talking dirty in bed is often hot because what you’re saying might be seen as a little taboo. For example, we’re not used to saying “fuck me like I’m in trouble” in polite society, after all, but some taboos cross lines for people that can pull them out of the steamy moment. When you’re thinking of kinky things to say, dehumanising or degrading language might be top of your list while your partner would prefer things to be a little more egalitarian. It may be that people they know have used certain words in bad or abusive ways in the past, for instance, so hearing them used during sex talk could turn your partner right off even if you personally love the way they sound. Everyone’s different.
You can expect to each make mistakes as you go along, so it’s important to embrace openness and an ability to laugh and move on from words and phrases that miss the mark. That’s why having a basic consent chat before you dive in can guide you in the right direction and hopefully help you shape your dirty talk in ways that will be far more yum than yuk. Once you’ve checked in with your partner, you’re ready to start practising and developing your dirty talk skills. Here’s how to begin.
Start slow
If you’re a complete novice, the best advice is to start slow. Pick a few simple words and instructions and start throwing them in to your sex sessions. Think one- and two-word utterances (we’re starting slow, remember) like “more”; “yes”; “please”; “that’s good”; “don’t stop” etcetera.
To some of you this may seem a little too simple, and if so feel free to scroll on down to the more advanced stuff. But for many people, dirty sex talk can be a huge challenge, and just getting used to saying a few things aloud is enough of a step to begin with. Many of us—straight men in particular, thanks to old-school porn tropes which have women making all the noise—feel extremely uncomfortable saying anything in bed. So if your partner is silent, dirty talk for him should begin with something like this before building to more complex chat.
Other great dirty talk for him to practise involves expressing aloud what he’s feeling in the exact moment. For instance, phrases like “that feels good” or “I love it when you do that”—again, there’s no need to channel Shakespeare to start off with, sometimes it’s more than enough to just let your partner know that you’re enjoying what they’re doing. This leads us neatly onto the next step in the talking dirty how-to guide…
Say what you like
Once you’re comfortable with the phrases above it’s time to move on to more directional, focused sexy chat. Telling your partner “that feels good” is a step on the road to describing the feelings and activities in more detail. To level up talking dirty in bed you’re essentially just going to start building your sentences, a bit like you’re filling in the blanks.
So: “that feels good” becomes “your pussy feels so good” or “your tongue on my clit feels so good.”
From there you might like to swap ‘good’ for other adjectives, expressing more detail about exactly what’s going on and why you like it. For example: “your cock feels so good” can be fleshed out (pun intended!) to include more detail: “your cock feels so hard in my hand.” If your partner enjoys hearing women talking dirty during sex, imagine how much more they’ll be turned on by a sentence that takes things to another level. “Your cock feels so hard in my hand, it’s so satisfying to squeeze it.”
Not only can this be a huge turn-on for your partner, it can also have a lot of benefit for you too—the more detail you can give your partner about what you enjoy, the easier it will be for them to play with and enhance that in future. Using the example above, the person hearing that might register how satisfying it is for you and—in later sex sessions—begin talking dirty in bed to you by inviting you to squeeze their cock. “I know how satisfying you find this… grip it in your hand.”
In this way, talking dirty in bed works like a virtuous circle—the more you can say, the more material you’re giving your partner to riff off in the future. You’re improving your sexual communication by helping to draw a more detailed map of the landscape of your kinks and desires, which they can use to navigate to your pleasurable hotspots in future. Sounds like a win-win scenario to us.
Although the key aim of this guide is to help you start talking dirty in bed, it’s worth noting here that great sexual communication can lead to better relationship communication in a broader sense too. The skills you build up as you start telling your partner what you want and need in bed can also be applied to other areas of the relationship—making you more adept at articulating your emotional needs, for example, or listening to the detail of what your partner is trying to express. Consider dirty talking in bed as a communication playground where you get to level up your skills in a fun way, and maybe have the chance to apply them to deeper chats in future. The importance of good communication in relationships cannot be over emphasized, so if talking dirty can help facilitate that, then that can only be a good thing. Even if it helps to open up your confidence surrounding talking about things you don’t enjoy, in or out of bed, that’s another huge breakthrough that can only strengthen your relationship experience.
Be descriptive
One of the reasons people often panic when asked to embark upon some dirty sex talk is that they try to jump to this stage before working through the steps above. It can be tough for even the most experienced erotic writer to come up with knicker-meltingly hot lines on the spot, let alone when they’re already in the throes of passion. So this one requires a lot more practise, as well as maybe a little homework. But don’t worry, it’s the fun kind of homework that might not even be turned in late…
Picture your most recent sexy experience. It might be someone giving you head, or an especially exciting shag, or maybe even just a fantasy that’s been floating around in your mind for a while. Think of something really sexy, and picture it in as much detail as you can. Got it? OK, now have a think about the different details of the scene, paying attention to the following things:
Touch: What were the physical sensations you felt? Go into as much detail as possible. So not just “she was wet” but “she was so wet I could feel it soaking my fingertips the second I reached down to touch her.” Not just “their skin was warm” but “I could feel the warmth of their body, especially their stomach and chest as they pressed against me.”
Taste/scent: There are so many aspects of this besides the obvious taste of someone’s genitals when you’re enjoying going down on them. Think about the scent or taste of their skin, where you like to kiss them, as well as things like the ambient scent of the room. If you or your partner enjoy sensual pleasures like massage oil or candles while you’re getting hot and heavy, there’s no reason not to wrap this into your dirty sex talk too. Think: “Mmm, you smell like coconut and suncream. I want to spread you out on the bed, and pour rose-scented oil into the palm of my hand, smearing it all over your skin so I can get high on the combined scent of you.”
Sound: From the simple smack of the palm of someone’s hand during a spanking to the moans they make when they’re just about to come, often sex is all about the noises. Think about the sounds you enjoy most when you’re having sex, and what they mean too. Fill in as many details and blanks as you can to build out your dirty sex talk. For instance: “I like the wet noises that are made when I use a dildo on you…” can be expanded to include “…because the wetter that sound, the more I know you’re enjoying it.”
Sight: As you can see, we’re going through each of the senses in turn, and there’s a reason we’ve left sight for last. The sight of someone is usually the first thing people reach for when describing sex: how beautiful their breasts are, or how fabulous their bum looks when it jiggles. But the other senses are just as important, and you’ll have practised on those senses now so for the sight section, have a think about things that don’t come quite so easily. Maybe their facial expression in the throes of passion, or the way their body looks in a particular position. The twitch of the sinews and muscles in their arm as they pump their cock… Which visual aspects of your memory or fantasy really stand out to you? If someone was describing it to you during dirty sex talk, what would you hope they’d highlight in order to turn you on?
Tone: The final one isn’t about your physical senses, but it is perhaps the most important of the lot. The tone of any given sex scene could also be described as atmosphere or even backstory if you’re indulging in role-play. Ever heard someone say “it’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it”? This is your tone. What are the power dynamics at play? Is one of you the ‘top’ and the other the ‘bottom’? Are you trying to tease out the experience for as long as possible, or ripping each other’s clothes off and getting stuck in quickly because you simply cannot wait? Is this fantasy sexy because you might get caught? Sometimes the exact same shag can be rendered entirely different purely through tone, so have a think about the tone of the scenario you pictured at the start of this section, and wrap some of that lovely hot atmosphere into your dirty sex talk.
When you thought of your initial example, you might have been able to sum it up in a single sentence. For instance: “it was hot when my partner flipped me over onto my stomach then smacked my ass hard before sliding in.”
Now let’s flesh out that idea/fantasy with some of the details listed above:
I felt really dominated and deliciously used when they flipped me over, like I was just a tool for their pleasure [tone]. I loved the stinging sound of their flat palm smacking the cheeks of my arse while I lay there [sound], and the tingle of the slap reverberated through my flesh [touch]. Crushed with my face in the duvet, I was deprived of my view and couldn’t see what they had planned next [sight], and there was a thrill in not knowing, and allowing myself to be vulnerable for them [tone].
As you can see, you don’t necessarily need to use all the senses in your description—pick the things which appeal most to you and zoom in on those. Your dirty sex talk will be very personal to you, so if there are particular senses that turn you (or your partner) on more, that’s likely where you’ll find yourself spending more time. The senses are useful prompts to help you fill in some of the details you love most.
Find out what they like
One of the key things for women talking dirty during sex is to ask questions—men too, for that matter. In porn you’ll often hear phrases like “do you like that?” or “is that good?” and essentially what you’re aiming to do here is take those questions and do the same as you’ve done with everything else: add detail.
A common misconception about dirty sex talk is that it only happens during the act itself. Not true! When you’re finding out what your partner likes, often it’s best to begin after you’ve just had sex. Maybe in the afterglow as you’ve just collapsed together, exhausted, on the bed, or when you bring them a cup of tea the next morning. Lowering the pressure so they don’t feel put on the spot when you ask them: “So… what was your favourite thing about the sex we just had?” You may want to start off with an example of your own: “I loved it when you told me to flip over—I find it really hot when you express what you want. What did you find hottest?” Once they’ve given an answer, you can ask a few targeted questions that elicit more detail: “why was that especially hot? Was it the look, the sound, the tone…?”
Hopefully you can see why we put this section after the one above. Once you’ve practised a little talking about your own turn ons, you should have a good idea of the kind of questions to ask to solicit more detail from your partner too. It might be that you’ve already practised some of your own sex chat so their answer will be “I love hearing women talking dirty during sex”—and you can give yourself a pat on the back for what you’ve picked up so far.
As an added bonus, as you start to have more of these conversations, you should start building a more detailed picture of the things your partner focuses on. It may be that they’re a very visual person who is turned on more by bums than boobs, or it might be that they’re all about the tone and enjoy a power dynamic as the main event. Whatever it is, once you’ve had some of these chats in a low-stakes way, it should be easier to introduce that kind of chat in the heat of the moment too.
Women talking dirty during sex might want to ask “do you like the way my bum looks in this position? Want me to turn around to give you a better view?” or if their partner is into the power dynamic of being dominated, perhaps “how do you like being my toy for the night?” All of this question based dirty talk can make it easier for each of you to expand on certain ideas and bring in even more fantasies. To avoid a simple “yes” or “no” answer, think about reframing some of your questions to elicit a longer response.
“How do you like being my toy for the night?” might become, “how does it feel to be toy for the night?” It’s all about experimenting and listening for your partner’s response, gauging how comfortable they are with the situation and making the most of it when they go for it!
Dirty Talk Phrases
Although some of these examples are suggested for people of specific genders or with specific genitals, in fact any of the kinky things to say here can be used by anyone or tailored to you and your partner. Think of the following section as a springboard you can use to jump off and dive in to your own dirty talk adventure.
Dirty talk for him, her or anyone: subtle/suggestive
Some people—men or women talking dirty in bed—find that the explicit stuff is a little tricky at first, so why not try out one of these subtler, more suggestive phrases to help you get started?
- I love it when you fuck me like that.
- I need you to touch me.
- I want to taste you.
- I want you so much.
- Any of the following one-word instructions: harder, deeper, faster.
- You like how I fuck you?
- Tell me how much you want it.
- You make me so wet/hard.
- I love how hard your cock feels in my hand/how wet your pussy feels.
Men and women talking dirty in bed: more intense
The following dirty sex talk is a bit more intense/explicit than the phrases above—they’re only suggestions so edit depending on your and your partner’s preferences and body types.
- Look at me while you’re sucking me off/eating me out.
- Can you feel how hard/wet you’re making me?
- Touch yourself for me, I can’t get enough of watching your face while you pleasure yourself.
- I really want to feel you cum inside me/Please give me your cum.
- When I squeeze my pussy around you, I can feel every inch of your hard dick.
- Where do you want me to cum? Inside you? On you? Tell me exactly where you want me to jizz.
- You look so hot from this angle—I love the way I can see your curves and how your tits jiggle when I fuck you.
- Show me how you stroke your own dick—pretend I’m not here, I want to feel like a voyeur watching you.
- My cunt is aching to be fucked.
Kinky things to say (for anyone)
These kinky things to say have more of a BDSM angle—perfect for those who are into power imbalance and a dom/sub or top/bottom tone.
- I love when you spank me—the sound of it turns me on, and the stinging feeling makes me feel like I’ve been really naughty.
- I’m not going to let you come yet—you have to beg me for it.
- You want me to fuck you? Say please. You can do better than that…
- I’m going to have to punish you.
- Fuck me like you mean it/like you own me/like I’m in trouble.
- Stay very still—I want to use you like your dick/cunt like it belongs to me.
Dirty sex talk: time to put it into practise!
It’s completely understandable to be nervous about talking dirty in bed, but hopefully this guide will have given you some useful tips (and a lot of inspiration!) to try a little out next time you’re getting frisky. Remember the important note about consent, and have a chat with your partner first to get some guidance on their specific turn ons and turn offs. Maybe even try writing some key phrases down using the tips about senses and tone. Then start off slowly with a few short phrases or words like “more!” and “that’s so good” before letting your inner Casanova out with some more detailed dirty sex talk that’s tailored to the things you and your partner find sexiest.
Above all remember that this isn’t an English Literature exam: there is no test and there’ll be no grading. Expect to make mistakes along the way, and maybe even feel a little bit silly sometimes. It’s all OK: the only thing that matters is that you and your partner have fun!