Texting and communicating through messaging platforms are now the norm. We use them in every facet of our lives to exchange all sorts of information, so why shouldn’t our intimate world be part of that? Dirty text messages can be an exciting part of your relationships and can enhance intimacy between you and your partner or partners. In this article, we aim to encourage you to try out sending dirty text messages or ‘sexts’ in a safe, informed and ultimately exciting way.
We will look at how to text dirty and the different platforms you can use to suit your relationship and personal preferences. We’ll discuss how to navigate introducing sending sexy texts into a long-term relationship where you might not have communicated in this way before and also sending dirty texts in a new relationship, how and when it might be appropriate.
There might be some trepidation about what an actual dirty text or sexy text might be and how to make it sound natural for you. So let’s get started.
What are dirty text messages?
Dirty text messages are any written communication sent to a willing recipient to elicit a sexy response. Smartphones make instant messaging a key part of everyday communication, so making the leap to spicier interactions can be a natural follow-on.
Sexy texts can be seen as a form of foreplay to build excitement or to keep a connection going when you are apart. They can also gauge your lover’s mood for sex or help to ignite the spark of desire throughout the day. Couples might think sexting is only for those in long-distance relationships, but keeping intimacy and communication up through an otherwise normal or mundane day can really spice things up in your private life.
Hearing the ping of a notification and scurrying off to read it in private can enhance your anticipation and excitement for seeing your partner later.
Why send dirty text messages?
Perhaps sending a dirty text might be a way to reignite a relationship where intimacy and libido have taken a dip. It can show that you are thinking of your partner throughout the day and let them know that you are very much still attracted to them and want to build on what you have. Sending dirty text messages is a great way to open up lines of communication in other parts of your relationship.
From this study into sexting, there are differences between the way men and women sext within relationships. Women are more likely to sext their committed sexual partner, whereas men are more likely to sext with a casual partner. The study also showed there were ‘positive consequences’ between all the participants from sending dirty text messages, and most notably, the act of sexting ‘positively influenced their sexual and emotional relationships with a partner’.
What type of texts are ‘sexy texts’?
This really depends on your style, what you are into sexually, and the kind of flirtations that work for you. Dirty texts can be anything from, ‘I liked the way your boobs look in that top’ right the way through to extremely explicit descriptions of what you’d like to do with each other. Or simply putting into words how you make each other feel. Think of them as tiny hot love letters left scattered for a partner… and old-fashioned paperchase where you are the sexy prize at the end.
Sexy texts can be sent on any private messaging platform, so use one you feel very comfortable with and that you know is encrypted so you can be confident about your privacy.
How to initiate sexy texts
You’ve had a think about it and decided that sexting your partner is a great idea. You want the benefits of sending dirty text messages and hopefully receive some back. You might be wondering how to dirty text. Sending a sexually explicit message to your partner when you haven’t before might feel a little awkward, and introducing it into your relationship can be nerve-wracking. The secret to this, as with most everything in life, is communication.
Let’s look first at what you shouldn’t do:
Send a sexy text. That’s right, don’t start by sending a dirty text message out of the blue. You can’t send anyone sexual content who hasn’t agreed to it, that is unethical at best and abuse/illegal at worst. This is unsolicited sexual attention which is unethical and should be discussed first. Here’s a guide for first-time sexting.
The first and number one rule:
Ask for consent
This is fundamental to opening up a new area of your sexual relationship. It is absolutely key to identifying whether it’s something your partner would be receptive to, find exciting or even want to try. It is as easy as saying, ‘I’d like to send you a sexy text, would that be ok?’ or even introducing asking in a text. We recommend an actual conversation where you can discuss things fully. Face-to-face is best, but if that’s not possible, a phone call or video chat is recommended so that you can get a good feel for your partner’s reaction. One of the problematic things from texts and written communication, in general, is that you might not be able to gauge the tone of the message. You need to have confirmed agreement and consent to being sent sexy texts so you can move forward together with enthusiasm.
Asking for consent is easier than you think and vital to an honest conversation and introduction to dirty text messages.
- ‘I was wondering if you’d like me to send some sexy texts…?’
If you are already in a sexual relationship with someone it might be easier to introduce.
- ‘I’ve just been thinking about that thing we did the other night…” that way if the reply invites a deeper response, you don’t have to think too much about what you’re going to type—you can simply recall the action, bringing it in slowly and expanding as you go, as the replies heat up. ‘Yeah, the way you kissed my neck…’
By starting slowly you can build together, and remember always respect the other person’s boundaries.
If they have said they don’t want to send you a nude, do not press them, and only send a nude of your own if they’ve expressly agreed to receive one and you feel 100% comfortable doing so. If you feel in any way pressured or uncomfortable, just don’t do it. There are plenty of consensual nude images on the internet that you can view if a bit of flesh is what you’re craving. For example, our erotic sex galleries are a wealth of sexual imagery that can be used to arouse, titillate and offer examples of positions and sexy activities.
People are a lot less shy of sending suggestive messages now so the lines might have become a little blurred on when you can send. We would always recommend erring on the cautious side.
Work out boundaries
It’s at the point of talking about consent where you can also discuss boundaries in your sexting. Be as sure as you can be that you trust this person. Sending sex words or images can make you feel quite vulnerable so trust is something that is really fundamental to your sexting dalliances.
What are you comfortable sending and receiving? When would you be comfortable? If workplace texting is out of the question, then make sure you both agree on appropriate timelines. Or perhaps have a messaging app that you access only at certain times so you can ‘save up’ your sexts for your break. Make sure you communicate that this is what will be happening. If you feel like you’ve been left ‘hanging’ waiting for a reply to a dirty text you’ve spent ages constructing, it can lead to feeling ignored and can cause unintended hurt and even anguish. Let the person know you’re excited to read them on your break. You could use a regular text platform to discuss the texts. For example:
- ‘check your messenger at lunchtime 😉’
- Or even ‘don’t open until you’re alone.’
Even non-explicit texts can build sexual tension and anticipation.
Make sure you identify the kind of language and content you’re both happy to send and receive. These boundaries will move and change as your sexting relationship grows, but make sure you take it slow at first to establish that all-important trust before launching into pornographic material. You might want to talk about what you’d like to do to each other. What you’re wearing. Erotic text messages are a lovely way to begin and perfect for taking it slow. For example:
- ‘What are you wearing?’
So what should I say when sexting?
Typing your first sexy sentence to send to someone can be a cringey moment indeed. That’s why we talked about the, ‘I like it when…’ introduction. So that can either be something you’ve done together or even something you’ve noticed about that person. ‘I like it when you wear that top…’ or even, ‘I like it when we watched that hot erotic sex movie together.’
That can get a conversation going. Usually, even a fairly subtle allusion to sex will bring a positive and encouraging response.
Sexting can ramp up very quickly so start slowly and if the texts that come back are making you smile, keep going, they’ll soon be making you tingle!
- ‘I’m looking forward to when we can see each other again’
- ‘Oh yeah, why…?’
If ever there’s an invitation, this is it!
With stricter regulations on our social lives coming back into play, it may be that sexting becomes a vital part of your sexual relationship and satisfaction. This could be a great way to find new ways to fulfil your desires.
- ‘I bought myself a present today…’
This might be a nice way of sending an explicit image without you being in it, you could show your new vibrator or masturbator! That could invite some delicious texts on how you’re going to use it, how it makes you feel, how you think of them while you’re using it…
- ‘I’m so wet, this clit toy feels just like your tongue…’
This is a fantastic time to experiment with toys without feeling intimidated or that you’re ‘replacing’ your lover by using them. Sex toy use in relationships can enhance the experience for all involved.
Put yourself in the mood
The first thing is to make yourself feel sexy before sending a dirty text message. Think about what turns you on, what inspires you to think erotically? What turns you on about your lover? Everybody loves hearing about themselves, so focussing on what you love about them is a great starting point. Even let them know about how the thought of them opening a sexy text message turns you on.
Paint them a picture
Remember, inspiration for your sexting can come in many forms. You might not be languishing in a bubble bath with your vibrator collection charged and ready, but you could certainly paint an erotic picture to turn you both on. Perhaps you’ve put on some underwear you know they love—let them know. Immerse yourself in your erotic imagination to make your sexting feel more authentic. Take a breath and pause, take yourself out of the mundane situation you might be in and imagine what you could be doing or might be doing later if sending these dirty text messages works out for you.
- ‘I’m just putting my feet up for a moment, stretching out my toes in that way you like, I’ve got stockings on today…’
Even if you don’t have your stockings on or your feet up, the beauty of sexting is that nobody’s going to verify it! It’s not fibbing. It’s embellishing a story in a world you’re creating. This is something you can also clarify at the consent stage. You are exploring a fantasy together. Of course, you really could be doing those things, and that’s when it can get very spicy…
- ‘Oh yeah? Proof or it’s not happening 😉’
The perfect moment to send a teasing photo if you’ve agreed to picture messaging.
Check before you send
This is a very important step not to be missed! First of all, check you are sending it to the correct person. You don’t want to risk sending dirty text messages for him to someone else. We recommend sending a test text and waiting for a definitive reply—especially if it’s the first time on a new messaging platform.
Dirty text messages for him
As the research has shown, men are more likely to send dirty text messages in casual relationships so what does that mean for constructing those dirty text messages for him?
Tailoring texts to arouse your lover is something that you can explore with tentative starting points that can be expanded on depending on the responses.
Here are some examples, depending on your relationship you can try, to get those sexy texts moving.
New relationships
If you’re in a new relationship, exploratory sexting that starts slow and gentle is a great way to understand what might elicit the response you’re after and what might be a turn-off.
Here are some examples to inspire and tailor your own dirty texts for a burgeoning relationship and take it to the steamy next level you both deserve.
Great starter texts:
- ‘You looked hot going to work this morning.’
You might get the response, ‘oh yeah?’ then you can expand on what is hot about them, the way their jeans hang over their backside, the way their shirt stretches across their back as they ease on their jacket… remember, everyone loves a compliment and hearing about themselves so focussing on that is a great way to pep someone up, give them a sexy swagger and get them interested in what you might text next.
- ‘I can’t wait to see you later and do all the things I want to…’
This will hopefully start a conversation about what those things actually are.
- ‘I’m not wearing any knickers to work today.’
Or
- ‘I just took my pants off in the bathroom and put them in my bag.’
If you combine the texts with action, it can really stimulate your partner’s visual imagination, driving them wild, keeping you on their mind all day long with your steamy words.
- ‘If only you were here to see what you do to me.’
This is another fairly tame text that allows the recipient to conjure up images of your aroused body. You can expand on talking about how your body feels.
- ‘My nipples are so hard in this top, I’m worried my colleagues might see.’
This sort of sexting can lead to other sexual fantasies such as voyeurism, hotwife, partner swapping, threesomes etc. Open texts can make for great exploratory talk, building a picture of your future sexual life together and is a great way to figure out your compatibility.
- ‘I want to do things to you…’
Then expand on those things…
If things are starting to heat up, you could give him a task:
- ‘Go somewhere private and send me a pic of your hard dick straining through your trousers.’
Ramping up the seduction throughout the day will mean if you do get together that night, you are already primed for some great mind-blowing sex! Especially because the dirty text messages have laid the ground for all the things you like to do or fantasise about.
Questions
People just love talking about themselves, so asking lots of suggestive questions can get your sext partner to open up. Simply asking what they’re wearing under their clothes or the colour of their knickers… show, you’re interested.
Established relationships
Remember that research? Men might not fully realise that sexting can be part of their long-term relationship—preferring it as part of the chase, perhaps. So bringing it back into focus if it is something that has dwindled away can be a fantastic way to re-energise your relationship, especially if you started with texting in the first place.
If you’ve never sent dirty text messages, now’s your chance to try something new and inject a different kind of passion into your partnership.
In this kind of set-up, you could start with memories of things you’ve done that were really hot—igniting the spark of something in your past that really gave you a connection.
- ‘Remember the trip to Barcelona when I gave you a blowjob on the plane?’
You’ve already been intimate, and you both know how filthy your sex life has been in the past, so you can start much more explicitly when you base the sexting on things that have happened already.
- ‘Remember when you fingered me at the cinema? God, that was hot…’
These horny reminiscences are almost a safe way of exploring sending dirty texts. Particularly to him so he can put himself back into the feeling, remember the dip and curve of your body, the wet heat of your dripping pussy as you fucked.
It can really lay out a feast of sexy thoughts and situations that will also fire up new possibilities.
- ‘I’d like to try that again…’
Or pay him the biggest compliments by reminding him what an incredible lover her is.
- ‘All my friends are jealous of your oral skills’
This is pushing into the realms of voyeurism so make sure you’re ok with this—consider how you’d react if you were sent a text like this. The implication is that you’ve told your friends about your sex life… so think about how you’d feel if he said something similar to you. Would it be hotter than hell? Or a breach of your confidence? Even in established relationships, boundaries must be set, and discussions had on what is ok to talk about. But if you’ve found yourself in a sexual lull, sending a dirty text to him along the lines of:
- ‘What if your friend walked in on us fucking?’
or even
- ‘I’d rent you out to my friends for a good pussy licking if I wouldn’t go mad with jealousy’
Passionate, sexy texts
Once you’ve set the stage and successfully sent some tentative saucy messages, it’s time to really heat things up.
A great way to get your man going, as we’ve discussed before, is to describe what thinking about his cock does to you.
- ‘Your cock is so fucking hard when you fuck me, I can feel it now, I’m so wet.’
This shows how much you love his cock, his thick hard dick and how your body responds. How could he not love that text? Tell him how damp your panties are thinking about licking the precum off the tip of his dick and how even typing it out is driving you wild.
Think about what turns you on to read or hear from a lover and mirror that back. Do you like to be complimented on your looks? Chances are, so does he. We’re not so different.
Once you’ve established the foundations and got into a rhythm, it won’t take long for these dirty text messages to become absolutely filthy, so be warned and get ready for those notification pings!
- ‘I want your dick to spurt all over my naked chest so I can rub your cum all over my tits while my cunt twitches in aftershocks from your hard dicking’
Dirty texts for her
Women often respond better to sexting when they trust their partner. When sending dirty texts to her, it’s important to start slow, building a connection that makes her feel comfortable and respected. Sending a sexy message that includes a simple compliment or a subtle hint is a great way to start.
New relationships
With a new relationship, you’re still getting to know each other. It’s exciting, so the temptation is to go in hard with the heat, but ease off a little. Women tend to open up more with sexting and dirty text messages in longer-term relationships, which indicates they might be a little more reserved at first.
Keep things easy and soft to start with. Stick to things you know she likes at first before exploring or pushing new boundaries.
Compliment her and tell her how she affects you.
- ‘The way your boobs bounce beneath your blouse really turns me on.’
- ‘I love to run my fingers up your thigh…’
Keeping the premise hot but the language tame, to begin with, can be a very big turn-on. Tease her with your lack of explicitness, then add spicier phrases as the responses come back, hinting that they want more. Keep the texts open to allow for space to answer and encourage sexy development.
For example:
- ‘I was thinking about how it would feel to run by stubbly jaw across your shoulders.’
At the very least, something like that will set the scene, and hopefully, a shudder of excitement will cross her back and down her spine. Talking about her erogenous zones—not just her genitals—will really turn a woman on as she can not only visualise the action but ‘feel’ the sensations with her mind. If you talk of tickling her inner elbow with a feather or whispering close in behind her ear while lifting her hair away from the nape of her neck, she will surely be melting with anticipation and desire.
Established relationships
Much in the same way as sending sexy texts to him in a long-term relationship, the same goes for her. You know each other. You will have plenty of ‘material’ to fall back on with regards to talking about sexy antics you’ve enjoyed before, but now you can add in how you’d like to do it again, or this time with a twist. Use the tease to your advantage. Coax her into telling you what she wants.
- ‘Remember that time I gave you that foot massage and what it led to… shall we do it again soon?’
- ‘Do you still have those purple panties you took off under your dress that time?’
- ‘I’ve got a surprise for you later… take a guess.’
- ‘What’s your favourite place for me to nibble?’
Passionate, sexy texts
When you’ve established what you enjoy with your texting and what yields the best ‘results’ for your relationship, it’s time to bring the heat. You might be surprised at how explicit she likes the texts to be. Remember, women can be very turned on by words, which is evident in their appetite for erotica and erotic romance, so don’t be afraid to talk dirty. Think about the experience of her arousal as she reads. Describing sexy actions with filthy words can be such a turn-on. Don’t be afraid of the C words, either.
- ‘I love to slide my fingers into your dripping pussy’
Or, more daring,
- ‘I love watching my cock slide into your wet hot cunt, stretching it hard.’
Sending erotically charged dirty text messages can really add a new and exciting dimension to your relationship. We recommend starting slow, gaining trust and consent, building the heat and using past experiences together to springboard into new fantasy worlds you can share.
You could have a live-action chat—especially good if you live far apart—instead of having voice or video sex, you could have one-handed text sex! While describing the live action, you are performing on yourself, and how your body is responding, you could have a very sexy time as you see those three dots or messages that says, ‘Lover is typing…’
What about storing the dirty texts?
You will need to agree on what to do with your texts after they have been sent. Apps like Confide, Snapchat and Instagram have an automatic delete function setting after certain messages have been sent.
You might want to use a more secure platform if you’re at all worried about the messages being stored on a lover’s device. Apps like WhatsApp and Signal are end-to-end encrypted and some apps like Dust even have the option to delete your messages from other people’s devices and have a screenshot notification. Even Facebook Messenger has a ‘private’ chat function, but we’d be wary of sharing too much there.
You might love having your messages easy to access on your phone—a glorious sexy reminder, a catalogue of hot moments for you to enjoy again and again as you scroll with one hand… and ‘scroll’ with the other…
Conclusion—get ready to sext
With studies showing that sexy texting can reignite the passion in long-term relationships and lead to better relationship outcomes in casual flings… we think giving it a try is well worthwhile. Sending sexy texts with your fantasies and desires can be easier than voicing them face to face, so you might find yourself asking for your true wants and needs like never before.
Where you might have been shy about some of your fantasies and the thought of sharing them ‘live’ with a lover had you worrying about their reaction, sending dirty texts can mean that your lover has time to consider their reply. Sometimes our first gut response can come across as judgemental even if we feel nothing of the sort, it can shut off communication and close doors to intimate opportunities simply because we can misread each other. Of course, the same is also true of being unable to ‘read’ tone in texts, so everything is in balance and looking to find the advantages of each form of communication. Sending a dirty text message can give your lover time to read your sexy proposal or desire in a way that gives them pause to think about it carefully. Especially if it’s something they’re a little shocked by at first, that beat can give them all important breathing space before responding. Sex and sexuality are such personal and intimate things that it can be very easy to ‘yuck someone’s yum’ without realising it. So be mindful when composing a response to something you didn’t know your lover was into. It might have taken them a lot to trust you with the information. If you really aren’t into it, perhaps wait before responding to that actual text, and make time to discuss it properly.
Not only does sexting open up your communication, it also leads to a deeper understanding of your partner. Being able to respect each other’s boundaries while exploring fantasies can lead to some fantastic new and exciting experiences while enhancing intimacy and setting your sex life on fire.