BDSM stands for ‘bondage, domination, sadism and masochism’, and it’s a term broadly used to cover any kind of kink that involves a power imbalance between partners, where those people get a sexual thrill from the power exchange itself. The reasons for finding it hot are numerous—some are specifically drawn to the physical sensations of pain (both giving and receiving), whereas, for others, the pleasure comes from the psychological aspect of telling someone/being told what to do. It might be that you enjoy the feeling of being tied up or the beautiful aesthetic of seeing your partner’s naked body bound and vulnerable. In punishment, BDSM might also mean spankings can be issued, or other sexy penalties if the submissive BDSM counterpart fails to comply with their orders. The key thing is that BDSM is not just about pain: the pain and power exchange are a route to pleasure!
There are different roles/identities for people who are into BDSM:
- Dominant: those who like to hold power.
- Submissive: those who like being the one to submit.
- Switch: those who like to switch between the two.
Switching can happen either on a scene-by-scene basis, for instance, “this time I’m going to tie you up, then tomorrow it’s your turn to do what you like to me”, or sometimes within the scene itself. The key is that power is being exchanged somewhere, with the consent of everyone involved.
BDSM can look a little intimidating from the outside, especially if it’s a more extreme form of punishment BDSM which includes spanking or whipping with implements. However, it’s more like a form of role play, and as such, the role play can include even light-touch spankings or more psychological gameplay.
Here are a few examples:
- A submissive BDSM scene where the dominant (dom) instructs the submissive (sub) to kneel in front of them, eyes cast downwards, and hold a specific position. If they move or look up, they will receive a punishment. The punishment could be anything from a light spanking to being tied up or even writing lines. Some doms like to make punishments funny or playful, while others prefer a more serious tone.
- A dominant tells the submissive to crawl on all fours towards them to perform oral sex. The combination of gentle humiliation and being instructed to serve/pleasure the other may be what turns them on.
- Punishment BDSM is where someone is ordered not to do a particular thing (perhaps ‘I’m going to use this sex toy on you, but you’re not allowed to orgasm unless I say you can), and set up to fail so that they ‘earn’ themselves a punishment of cane strokes.
- Teasing BDSM where someone is given an instruction that’s challenging, for instance, being told in a restaurant to go to the bathroom, remove their underwear, and come back and give it to the dom without any of the staff or other patrons noticing.
- One person is submissive to two other people who are dominant—they are ordered to make the tea, fetch slippers, and generally act as a non-sexual ‘dogsbody’, getting off on the thrill of fulfilling instructions. Instead of punishment BDSM, in this scenario, the third person may just be acting in order to earn rewards—sexual release, perhaps, or gentle strokes, or even just being called a ‘good boy/girl’ if they please their dominants.
As you can see, there are many different ways to enjoy dominant or submissive BDSM—much like other types of sexual activity, the exact tone and actions will be determined by the people involved and what turns them on. Have a think about the kind of BDSM that you want to explore. It may be that you’re keen to try light BDSM with gentle punishments from a submissive perspective or that you want to have a go at issuing instructions and being the one in control. Consider the tone you want to achieve—horny? Playful? Serious? A mix?—as well as how you might want to reinforce the power imbalance in your scenario.