What does it mean to be a submissive
When referring to the term in a sexual sense, submissive has become synonymous with consensual roles people like to take during sex, role play or in their kink relationship. For some individuals, it is played out only in their sexual relationships, in which they enjoy a range of domination and BDSM play. Some submissives though also enjoy this domination to playout beyond their sexual interactions and allow it to become a lifestyle for them, hence the term lifestyle submissive.
What submissive is not
Being a submissive is not a sign of weakness or a term for someone who is being taken advantage of. As a submissive you still have the power to choose and negotiate the terms of your relationship, willingly giving control to your partner, where they respect and care for your needs and desires. It is all about consensually agreeing on how you wish the power dynamic to work.
How to first discuss being a submissive
There needs to be plenty of conversation and open communication between you both. Take it step by step, talking about why you find it such a turn on and what you wish to explore with this style of relationship. Discussing openly your desires can sometimes be tricky, however, it is important that you talk with honesty about your interests and desires in being a submissive. You also need to understand this might be a big step for your partner too, as you are asking them to bring out their dominant side. Ensure you both feel comfortable and understand each other’s roles and needs.
How to be a good submissive
As mentioned above with dominance, there’s no correct way to be submissive, though in your case if obedience is your thing then you already have a head start because, hopefully, your dominant will be telling you what to do to please them. Just as with dominance above, it’s important to stress that anyone can be into submissive BDSM, no matter what their gender or sexual orientation, and that their desires for this kind of kink play can change over time. You may find that in some areas of life you are keen to submit, whereas in others (the workplace usually being a good example) you definitely don’t want to be dominated or bossed around!
Negotiate with your partner
This forms the cornerstone of all BSDM activities in order to enjoy the pleasures of being a submissive and allow your dominant to fully embrace the role with clarity. When you are giving consent to someone else to take charge, you both need to be fully aware of what you are accepting.
A good submissive, like a good dominant, should embrace the importance of communication, learning, staying safe and having fun. It is not solely the dominant’s responsibility to make sure everyone’s enjoying a scene, you’ve got an important role to play here too. Although you’re consensually giving up power, you are not abdicating responsibility for telling your dominant what you need (and checking in with them on their needs too).
Set your limits and create your safewords
Be honest and open with your dominant about your limits and desires. A good way to bring clarity to your communication is to think in terms of physical actions of what you would like to play out in a Yes/Maybe/No.
- Yes, I do enjoy it.
- Maybe, I would enjoy it and wish to try it.
- No, I am not comfortable and don’t wish to try.
This is also where the need for safewords is important, to give positive reinforcement for the actions that you enjoy and also to confirm when you want to immediately cease an activity or situation. The use of traffic light colours can work well here, green for continue, amber for proceed with care and red being said to stop.
Explore roleplaying ideas
Ask yourself what it is that is so appealing. Do some research to look at how you could see your submissive relationship playing out. Consider some activities and scenarios you would like to embrace, this will help you explore your submissive personality. Understanding what you find arousing will help you shape how you want your submissive relationship to play out.
Once you have considered those physical aspects of your submissive relationship, it’s time to consider the additional staging and style of your kinky roleplay and create your scene.
Just as with dominance, there are no set scripts to follow for submissive BDSM, but you might like to try a few of the following things:
- Choose a name. This could be ‘pet’ or ‘bitch’ or something simple like ‘good boy/girl’—something you’d feel aroused/happy/comfortable being called during a scene.
- Pick an outfit (or no outfit!). Some submissive BDSM players get off on being naked while their dom is clothed (CFNM—Clothed Female Naked Male—is a popular term in BDSM female dom/male sub pairings), or enjoy wearing sexy lingerie or leather harnesses. Have a think about what makes you feel most vulnerable and sexy.
- Lower your gaze. Avoiding eye contact with your dominant can help to cement their place in the power structure and remind you who is in charge.
- Say please. Peppering your speech with more ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’, especially in punishment or reward scenarios, can again help to enforce the power dynamic and get your sub juices flowing.
- Strike a pose. On your knees, face-down-ass-up, legs spread, or even just sat with your wrists turned outwards in a gesture of submission—these are all simple acts that can show to your dominant that you’re ready to be trained, used, punished or whatever else you have agreed is on the cards.