There is no ‘one true way’ to be dominant, and every individual’s style will vary in some ways. Anyone can be dominant—there are BDSM female doms, male doms, and doms who are genderfluid or nonbinary—dominance is not a gendered question. It’s also not necessarily something that is set in stone. Your tastes and desires can change over time and depending on context, so a BDSM female dom might find herself powerfully dominant to begin with but growing more ‘switch’ or submissive as she learns about new kinks. Someone being ‘dominant’ doesn’t mean they are like that in all areas, either: perhaps you find yourself more submissive when it comes to your interpersonal relationships or work, and it’s only in the bedroom that you let your dominant side out.
BDSM beginners might be under the impression that you have to ‘pick a side’ in your dominant submissive relationship, but you absolutely don’t. You can explore both your dominant and your submissive sides and embrace the fact that you may dip in and out of each of these versions of yourself at different stages in life.
Negotiating with your partner
Before entering into any dominant submissive relationship it is important that you negotiate clearly with full understanding how you see the the role in the fullest extent. All negotiations always need to cover a discussion of limits and boundaries. Hard and soft limits, those things that you are ok with under certain circumstances and those you are not willing to ever do. You need to be sure you understand what everyone expects out of a scene, as the dominant what do you expect and vice versa.
Also early on negotiate the use of safewords, what they are and how you agree to communicate them so there is never any misunderstanding. A simple traffic light system of red meaning all stop, yellow to change or discuss and green is everything is going well and keep going.
Responsibilities as a dominant
Taking on the role of a dominant comes with a series of responsibilities. Primarily, though, the role is there to create the environment in which the consensual power dynamic can play out both inside and outside the bedroom. The dominant ensures the experience is one where the submissive can relax in the knowledge that they will be safely cared for and protected to allow them to fully relax into the role of submissive.
There is no right way to be a dominant, but there are some good rules of thumb to follow if you want to make sure that both you and your partner are having fun when you’re indulging your BDSM desires, and as BDSM beginners, it can be helpful to think through how you’ll go about doing the following things:
- Communicate. Talk about your expectations and needs, and encourage your play partners to discuss theirs too. Listen at least as much as you speak, and if you aren’t sure what someone means, ask. Communication is the foundation of all great sex—kinky or otherwise!
- Learn. BDSM beginners cannot expect to get everything right first time, so be open to learning about your mistakes and ready to change tack if something isn’t working—whether in a relationship as a whole or just in an individual scene.
- Be safe. Follow the safety advice above, and research safety tips for new kinds of play as and when you want to introduce them.
- Have fun. Because of the importance of safety, and the seriousness of that topic, it’s very easy to get sucked into the idea that BDSM should be very straight-faced. But it’s supposed to be a pleasurable, enjoyable experience, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself to create the ‘perfect’ scene. Life is full of surprises, and nothing will ever go exactly how you might expect—embrace the fun of what you’re doing rather than trying to perform to a set script.
How to be sexually dominant?
Some of you might enjoy having a little script just to give you some jumping-off points. If you’re not yet feeling your domly self, here are some things that you might want to do that’ll help you ease into your play:
- Stand tall/be physically intimidating. Some BDSM female doms (and other doms too, of course) like to wear heeled shoes or a leather outfit when they enter their ‘dominant’ mode. Others like to be in bare feet or shirtless. Pick what works for you—what makes you feel confident in your body, and ready to physically dominate someone else? Select your outfit, maybe practice a few poses or swings with a flogger in front of a mirror to help you get there.
- Alter your grip. You may be used to stroking your partner gently, but in dominant mode, you may want to try a different approach. Instead of taking someone by the hand, grab them by the wrist. Instead of turning their head by brushing their cheek, lightly grab a fistful of their hair.
- Select a title. Not everyone likes to play with titles and honorifics, but if you do then pick one that feels natural for your submissive to say and makes you feel strong and confident. ‘Sir’ perhaps, or the alternative for BDSM female doms ‘Ma’am’.
- Change your language. Instead of asking your submissive to do something, tell them! Change ‘will you’ to ‘you will’ and ‘I’d like you to…’ to ‘you’re going to.’ Obviously, within the context of your pre-scene consent discussions. Changing your language can go a long way towards helping you get into the dominant mood.
Once you’re feeling dominant, it’s time to put everything you’ve learned above into practice. Whether you’re playing BDSM sex games, using bondage or punishment BDSM, start off with some of the things that you and your partner have identified as fun areas, and take things from there. Checking in during a scene (and afterwards) can help you shape the possibilities for future play, too, and it won’t be long before you’re no longer a BDSM beginner!