Sensate Focus
Do you feel out of sync with the intimate parts of your body? Has your pleasure taken a back seat? And has intimacy with others become a second thought, often rushed or a chore? Then you have arrived at the right place.
We’re often so focused on getting through the day that we prioritise quick gratification rather than embracing the simple pleasures of intimacy and sex. However, if enough is enough, this is where Sensate Focus and Self-Focus practices come in—powerful tools to slow down and rediscover the joy of touch without any pressure or goals. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety around sex or want to reconnect with your body or your partner, Sensate Focus and Self-Focus practices offer a mindful, step-by-step approach to intimacy that can help you explore each other’s bodies in a new, non-demanding way.
What is Sensate Focus?
Sensate Focus was originally created by two researchers, William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, who paved the way for understanding the nature of the human sexual response and, most famously, the four-stage model of the sexual response. In the 1970s, they began working on the Sensate Focus program, designed to help support those who experienced unreliable erections. However, Masters and Johnson didn’t manage to write down their program in great detail, and so today, many Sensate Focus programs have a confusing mix of touch and pleasure, and they’ve moved away from their original intention.
In its original concept, Sensate Focus is a process or step-by-step program of structured touching exercises. The most important thing to understand about Sensate Focus is that it’s a non-demand, non-goal-orientated program, and the aim is not to orgasm, penetrate or even for it to lead to arousal. Sensate Focus is about building up a tolerance of being touched and touching another with a focus on the sensation of touch and mindfulness at its core. It’s also about learning how to shift or control your attention to the present moment and your body and attention to one another. I’m sure we can all agree that this is a vital piece to the puzzle that is missing from sex today due to our fast-paced lives and need for quick gratification in all areas of our lives, from work, money, entertainment and even sex.
Authors Linda Weiner and Constance Avery-Clark have dedicated years to restoring the Sensate Focus program to its original form as developed by Masters and Johnson. Having studied directly under Masters and Johnson, they’ve worked diligently to clarify two distinct approaches:
- Sensate Focus 1, designed for treating sexual function issues
- Sensate Focus 2, aimed at enriching sexual enhancement
Their book, Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual provides health professionals with specific information on the use of structured touching opportunities used regularly by Sexologists.
When would you introduce Sensate Focus into your relationship?
Sensate Focus is best utilised when a person or couple are looking to reduce anxiety and stress around partnered sex, having problems with unreliable erections or when it seems the aim of sex has become too goal-oriented. Sensate Focus will help you slow down and explore touch for self-interest and exploration of each other’s bodies rather than rushing to the finishing line.
The Sensate Focus exercises are best done with the support of someone trained and well-informed who understands when this step-by-step program is appropriate for a couple. Because Sensate Focus is about exploring mindful touch and the focus is on touching for self-interest, it’s essential to explore this when both parties feel safe to do so.
The basics of the Sensate Focus
When starting Sensate Focus, couples must find one, preferably two, occasions during the week when they can secure an hour or an hour and a half of total privacy. However, sometimes finding the time can be a critical problem; many couples find that their problems start with neglecting to schedule time dedicated to each other without phones, children and other distractions. Sensate Focus can be a fundamental cornerstone in acknowledging a lack of quality time dedicated to the relationship, especially around slow and distraction-free intimacy.
When embarking on Sensate Focus it’s vital to avoid alcohol or recreational drug use to ensure both parties are fully present and aware of what is happening to them and their partner during the steps. It’s also important to shower before engaging in the exercises and ensure the space is comfortable, the room is at the right temperature, and you are free from being disturbed. Removing clothing and being as close to nude as comfortable is preferable. During the steps, you are encouraged to use only non-verbal communication to maintain sensory focus and then take turns touching. When we focus more on our sensory surroundings, whether it be touch, taste, sounds or smells, our awareness heightens, enhancing intimacy and deepening the physical and emotional connection during sex.
It’s important to remember that during these exercises, orgasm and intercourse are strongly discouraged during the first stages of Sensate Focus and rather to drive your attention to temperature, pressure, and texture instead. Sensate Focus is designed to help you avoid spectatoring, going outside of yourself, and looking down at yourself. We do this by focusing on the sensation of touch, giving, and receiving and even exploring the senses as mentioned above.
After the exercises, it’s also crucial to provide feedback by exploring questions like:
- What were some distractions, and what did you do to handle these?
- Did you need to move your partner’s hand away from something uncomfortable?
- How many times were you able to do the sessions?
- What sensations were you able to focus on or not focus on?
- Was there anything that you learned?
Exploring self-focus and why this can be useful before Sensate Focus
If you are reading this article and want to explore some mindfulness touch to help with low desire or even a complete loss of desire, then an excellent place to start is with some self-focus exercises. This is a great way to explore mindful touch and manage anxious thoughts about your body and intimacy alone before then taking them into partnered sex.
A significant challenge with mindfulness is that many people need help knowing where to begin or which techniques are most effective for starting at home, leading them to avoid it altogether. I enjoy introducing self-focus exercises outside of the bedroom first, allowing people to incorporate them gradually into their sex lives. Here are just a few practical tips and exercises to start today.
Mirror Exercise
This exercise is designed to help you with exploring your self-image, particularly if your self-perception is affecting your sexual experiences. Although the exercise is best done in the nude, you can also do it while wearing clothes if that makes you more comfortable. Each time you practice this exercise, you can build up to taking one piece of clothing off until you feel at ease being fully naked. You’ll need a full-length mirror and a space to stand or sit in front of it.
How to get started
Position yourself and stand or sit in front of the mirror. Make sure you can see your entire body, from head to toe. Then, begin to observe and touch your body, starting at the top of your head and slowly moving your hands down your body. As you do, observe yourself in the mirror. For each part of your body that you touch, focus on the positive aspects. Think about what you appreciate about each feature, no matter how small. A key thing to focus on is the positives, and if you are critical of certain areas, it may take some time to shift your focus to what you like. Remember to be patient with yourself; if you find it difficult, be curious about this rather than critical. Take your time to carefully observe each part of your body and consider its strengths.
Lastly, notice the sensations and pay attention to how it feels to touch each area while observing it in the mirror. If your mind wanders, gently bring your focus back to the exercise.
Reflection is important
After completing the exercise, take a moment to reflect on your experience. You might find it helpful to jot down your thoughts on the following:
- How did you feel before starting the exercise?
- Which parts of the exercise were easy for you and challenging?
- How did it feel to focus on your positive qualities?
- Did anything about the experience surprise you?
- How do you feel now that the exercise is complete, and would you try it again?
This exercise is a tool to help you develop a more positive and compassionate view of your body. It allows you to carry that confidence into other areas of your life, especially when it comes to partnered sex and intimacy. Try exploring this exercise once or twice a week and note how you feel as time passes.
Now that you have looked at the parts of you that most of us explore in the shower most days, it’s time to explore the parts we are more likely to shy away from. Our genitals!
A Clinical Look
Regardless of your gender, the clinical look exercise is designed to help you become more aware of the different parts of your body and, most importantly, your genitals. While you may have been taught a brief explanation of your genitals at school, how often have you explored them by yourself? Do you know what they look like? Do you know what areas feel good to touch? While it may initially feel uncomfortable, this exercise may help you uncover something new about your pleasure journey.
How to get started
When you try this exercise, ensure you’re in a quiet, undisturbed environment where you can feel at ease. Find a comfortable position that suits you, whether on the floor in front of a mirror, on the bed with a hand mirror or in the shower or bath. Although this exercise is ideally done without clothing, you could wear a robe or cover yourself with a blanket if preferred. If your genitals aren’t easily visible, a large hand mirror might be helpful. If it’s useful, don’t be afraid to grab a pen and paper and take some notes of the following steps.
Once you are in a comfortable position to see your genital area, start by looking at your pubic hair or your pubic bone if you have no public hair.
Notice the temperature and texture, the level of pressure you are applying while touching, and how it feels. Does this area bring you pleasure, discomfort, or nothing at all?
Then, move further down so that you are directly touching your genitals and again notice how it feels for you. Does this area bring you pleasure, discomfort, or nothing at all? Do you feel pleasure on a particular side or part that you weren’t aware of before? Is there a new pleasure spot you would like to explore with a partner?
One thing not to shy away from is if you become aroused, notice the changes that occur to your genitals, including the look and feel and textures. Don’t be afraid to be curious; these are a beautiful part of your body that can bring you so much joy.
When you are done exploring, ask yourself…
- How did you feel before the exercise?
- Which parts of the exercise did you find easy, and which did you find challenging?
- Was there anything that you were surprised by?
- How did you feel after the exercise, and is there anything you’re curious to explore further?
Sensate and self-focus exercises are powerful tools for reconnecting with oneself and a partner. It provides us with the tools and the time to explore intimacy through mindful touch rather than performance or goal-oriented expectations.
Whether you begin with self-focus exercises or move directly into partnered sessions, the key is patience, curiosity, and a willingness to explore the subtleties of physical connection. As our lives become increasingly fast-paced, Sensate Focus offers a meaningful opportunity to slow down, prioritise intimate time, and cultivate a deeper understanding of our bodies and our partners. Embracing these practices can transform not only sexual experiences but also the broader relationship, nurturing a foundation of trust, presence, and mutual respect for one another’s needs physically and emotionally.