As a professional sex writer, I know the topics that get people clicking: anal, threesomes and bondage are all up there. But although these spicy types of sex do well in terms of traffic, there is one kind that will always be popular, even though it rarely makes headline content. Sex that is focused on connection and pleasure rather than taboos or novelty. And to my great delight, I finally get to write about it! The fabulous folks at FrolicMe are letting me sate the desire for one of my most vivid cravings: vanilla.
Perhaps you’re someone who prefers vanilla sex and is finding the constant pressure to ‘spice up your sex life’ a bit wearing. Maybe you’re kinky and your partner’s more conventional in their tastes, so you want to understand what works for them. Maybe you’re looking to reconnect with the simpler things in your sex life. Whatever it might be, I am here to hold your hand and lead you through the wonderful – and deeply, powerfully horny – world of vanilla sex.
What is vanilla sex exactly anyway?
Apparently the term ‘vanilla’ to mean ‘conventional’ first became common around the 1970s. People might describe a plain or classic wardrobe choice as vanilla to contrast it with an outfit that was brighter and more ‘out there’. But in 1997 the Oxford English Dictionary added vanilla as a sexual term, to refer to conventional, non-kinky sex.
While the term vanilla sex is sometimes assumed to be pejorative, in fact it can be a very helpful way to sidestep more loaded terms. For instance, the word ‘normal’. For very good reasons, in the sex space we try to avoid terms like normal because everyone’s experience is different. What might be normal to you could be totally outside my comfort zone, and vice versa. More importantly, rejecting terms like normal is important when challenging traditional societal expectations about what sex should look like: between a man and a woman, penetrative, ideally reproductive (i.e. penis in vagina). If you want a fun thought experiment, try and conjure up what you think society’s definition of ‘normal’ or ‘conventional’ sex might look like.
It’s missionary, right? Missionary between two cisgender people of opposite genders. Usually romantic, certainly orgasmic, and definitely devoid of toys or kink.
Discussing sex as if there is one normal or correct way of doing it is harmful, not just to people who are LGBTQ+ but also those who have needs and desires that don’t fit within that very limited conception. Using the word vanilla changes things, though. Now, instead of saying ‘there’s one normal way to have sex, and all others are abnormal’, we’re saying ‘there are many different flavours of sex, and—like ice cream—you get to pick the flavour you like most.’
Personally, I’m a big fan of vanilla. The word as well as the sex.
Why do people dislike vanilla sex?
Over time, the phrase vanilla sex has often been used in a negative way, as a synonym for boring or plain. We live in a world where you can buy butt plugs controlled by smartphone app, attend fetish events in almost any major city, or join a dating app as a couple to find a third. But just because these adventures are possible, that doesn’t mean vanilla sex isn’t an adventure in itself. There is still a wonderful world to explore! Allow me to be your guide as I give you a few of my favourite tips to really make the most of vanilla sex.
Before we launch into this, note that I don’t want my definition of vanilla sex to be so narrow that it excludes LGBTQ+ people, so I’m dropping the hetero/cisnormativity, and defining vanilla as any sex which
a) only features two people and
b) does not involve any power play.
This is still a limited definition, because pinning down what counts as vanilla sex is far trickier than you might initially think! For example, some people might want to add an extra criteria, that vanilla sex also shouldn’t involve sex toys. But many people, like those with disabilities or conditions like vaginismus, find toys a crucial part of their sex life. These toys are not kinks, they’re valuable tools that make all kinds of sex possible, vanilla included. Likewise, many lesbians use a strap on as a matter of course, so defining that toy as kinky can be disrespectful as well as downright inaccurate.
Let’s press on though. You likely have an idea in your head of what vanilla sex looks like to you. The type of sex you have when it’s all about you and your partner—the words you whisper, the kisses you exchange, the way you touch each other’s bodies. The sex you have when you’re so keen to focus on the other person that you don’t want bells and whistles to distract you from their beautiful self.
3 Top tips for great vanilla sex
Zoom in, and enjoy the details
If you aren’t focused on fulfilling a particular kink, you’re free to enjoy the details of exactly what makes any given sexual encounter hot. It’s one of the things I appreciate about being a sex writer—the erotic stories I write here for FrolicMe, though they’ll necessarily be labelled with simple tags like masturbation or oral, have a whole world of detail to get hot for when you dive on in. Watching a scene I often think ‘oh, this isn’t just about masturbation, this is about the pleasure of looking at your own body while you touch yourself, admiring your softness and curves.’ Zooming in on the details is such a powerful way to amplify any given wank.
The same is true for sex. Instead of adding breadth to your repertoire, why not focus on depth? Abandoning the stressful pursuit of new tricks gives you time to explore why the old tricks get you hot under the collar. Is there a particular move your partner makes that gives you shivers? Where do each of you like to be kissed? If you’re into penetration, what does it feel like when you slow right down and make a meal of that very first stroke? Or if you like oral, can you take a little time to slow the pace and truly notice every little sensation—on your clit or your tongue or wherever, depending on who is giving head and who is receiving.
Talk to each other, without performing
Dirty talk doesn’t have to be confined to role play: there isn’t always a dirty girl or a bad boy. When you’re in the moment with your partner, allowing yourself to relax into the details, as above, talking through what feels good while it’s happening can be outrageously hot. It helps both of you to really hone in on what is most pleasurable, and heighten that sensation even further.
Remember, this isn’t power play so you don’t need to act. If anything, the opposite—try to tap in to your true feelings. Allow yourself to vocalise what’s turning you on, or moan in the right places if you struggle to articulate it. It sounds simple, but this can really build connection. Stop trying to perform a particular role for your partner, being grateful or commanding or whatever else it may be. The best vanilla sex (and any sex, in my opinion) stems from closeness and connection. The better you can connect with each other, the hotter the sex.
You might also like to try breathing together. This is a practice often found in tantra, but you can use it no matter what sort of sex you’re having. Try to breathe in and out slowly together, in the same rhythm. Perhaps the same rhythm you’re using as you shag—in and out, slowly but connected so you’re both in sync. It helps you pay attention to all the little movements, breath-catches, sighs and other wonderful things your partner’s body is doing.
Make time to create the right environment and mood
This one sounds like a cliché and you’ve almost certainly heard it before, but it does bear repeating in this instance. Many people write off vanilla sex as the kind of sex you have when you don’t have time or energy to do something spicier. It’s the sex you have in the morning before you go to work, or at the end of the day when you’re tired and the lights are off.
But it doesn’t have to be this way: vanilla deserves centre stage too! Give your vanilla sex as much thought and time as you’d devote to planning a kink scene. Do some thoughtful prep. Take your partner by the hand, lie down, just relax in your bedroom, and take notice of all the things about the environment that make it sexy, or not, as the case may be. Is there clutter? Is your lighting too bright? Do you enjoy the softer lamp from a bedside table rather than the harsh one above? Might it be worth investing in better storage so you don’t have to think about the clothes piled around you, or your kids’ toys getting in your eyeline? Perhaps some sexy artwork on the walls might add to the mood. Whatever it is, take the time to examine and notice it, and create a space that makes you both feel sexy.
Vanilla is an excellent flavour!
I pity the people who say vanilla with a sneer, and I hope by this point in the guide you understand why. One type of sex is not better than any other, and in fact I personally like to switch out flavours depending on my mood. Sometimes spice is what’s called for, or I have a very specific yearning for bondage or other kinks. But some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been what most would call ‘vanilla’, usually missionary. It’s great for sensation and pleasure, I love looking into a partner’s eyes or kissing their neck, and I think it’s a fabulous way to connect and zoom in on the details. The sound of their moaning, the shape of their body, and the uniquely intimate joy of fitting together so neatly.
So if you ever find yourself wondering if you’re too vanilla, or being vanilla-shamed by kinkier friends, I’d love you to remember this guide, and share the link if you can. I’m a professional sex blogger and I’m here to tell you: vanilla’s an excellent flavour. You should never be ashamed of utterly loving it!
Wow, can you take it into your next movie script?
“Try to breathe in and out slowly together, in the same rhythm. Perhaps the same rhythm you’re using as you shag—in and out, slowly but connected so you’re both in sync. ”
“Where do each of you like to be kissed? If you’re into penetration, what does it feel like when you slow right down and make a meal of that very first stroke? “