What’s the deal with unicorns and *gulp* unicorn sex?
The term, ‘unicorn dating’ and ‘unicorn sex’ has become ubiquitous with the image of a bi-curious couple searching for an elusive and mystical bisexual woman who wants to get railed by two people who are already in a relationship.
Imagine, if you will, a dating app profile that reads: “She’s bi, he’s straight. Looking for a third 😈”. Or the often-ridiculed line, “Hey, we saw you from across the bar, and we really dig your vibe…”
Unicorn hunting can be somewhat of a contentious topic in both monogamous and non-monogamous spaces, with many people expressing frustration at couples seeking novel experiences from single women without much consideration of their individual desires and needs.
Let’s get one thing clear—there’s nothing inherently wrong with being a unicorn or looking for one. Threesomes are an incredibly popular fantasy, with up to 95% of people desiring the experience (source: Dr Justin Lehmiller, Tell Me What You Want), so we’re talking about a fantasy with almost universal appeal here.
One thing is evident. Unicorn sex becomes problematic when couples fail to view potential unicorns as an equal in their three-way explorations, and instead view them as a means to fulfil a fantasy.
While it’s most common to hear about unicorns in a threesome context, the term is also relevant in the non-monogamous dating space, where an individual is seeking to join a couple to form a throuple or a triad (a relationship with three people who are all dating each other).
If we step back for a moment and strip the gender and sexuality assumptions from the word, we can consider a unicorn as an individual who wants to hook up, date or enter a romantic relationship with an established couple.
There is much to consider on either side of the dynamic, so let’s dig into considerations for both couples and individuals who want to explore three-way fun.
What’s so appealing about being a unicorn?
Many people are drawn to the idea of joining a pre-existing dynamic, and there are plenty of spicy benefits to doing so.
Perhaps you’re intrigued by the idea of fulfilling someone else’s fantasy or the allure of simply showing up for an evening, embodying sex and then dipping out after the night reaches its climax. Maybe you’re turned on by the idea of two people working as a team to pleasure you, or the taboo nature of flirting and connecting with two people at the same time is enough to get your pulse racing.
It can be incredibly exciting to connect with two people, particularly when they already have chemistry. It can be a lower-stakes social environment where the couple is working together to carry the conversation and to help you feel at ease.
Plus, the couple might treat you as a special guest. One of my partners recently regaled me with a tale of his favourite threesome experience: he joined a couple for bubbles in their hot tub, followed by even steamier sex, followed by pizza, then a night in their guest bedroom, breakfast in the morning and a final round of sex before heading home with a pizza doggy-bag—now that’s a peak unicorn sexual experience imo.
Of course, not every unicorn sex experience is created equal, so here are some tips to help aspiring unicorns in navigating threesome experiences.
Tips for unicorns navigating threesome sex
Before you start looking for potential couples, figure out what you want from the dynamic and your own desires and boundaries. Are you more comfortable giving, receiving or both? How would you feel if the couple experienced some jealousy in the moment or weren’t attentive to your needs? Are you hoping for a one-off, an ongoing dynamic or perhaps a relationship? Are you expecting to stay the night, or would you prefer to dip out after the fun? What kind of aftercare might you need?
Once you know what you want from the interaction, form some solid screening questions that you can ask any potential couple to get on the same page. This doesn’t have to look like a formal interview; just ask the questions in a conversation to figure out if you’re looking for the same thing. The questions could look like:
- Will we be spending the night together afterwards?
- What are your safer sex practices?
- How would you like this dynamic to play out?
- What aftercare do you need?
- I’m primarily dominant/submissive; how will this fit into your dynamic?
- Is there anything I should know about how you like to have sex?
- Have you had threesomes before? What did you enjoy about the experience?
- If I connect with one of you more than the other, will that be a problem for you?
Tips for couples who are seeking unicorn sex for a threesome
Moving on to the couple side of the dynamic. The most important thing to remember is that unicorns have needs, too, so check your couple’s privilege at the door.
Couple privilege is a concept you might be familiar with—in this context, it refers to the inherent privileges you experience by being a part of the couple unit. Think about it: you have an existing dynamic, you might find yourself prioritising the needs of your relationship above the needs of the person joining the dynamic, you might view the threesome purely as a fantasy experience for you and your partner. Consider how these decisions might contribute to a power imbalance. What can you do to minimise this power imbalance? How can you offer the third person an equal say in what (or who) goes down?
This experience isn’t just about your fantasy being fulfilled, so ask your potential unicorn about their desires, boundaries and aftercare needs to make sure you’re on the same page and can embark on a sensual journey that will leave all parties feeling satisfied.
Hopefully, it goes without saying, but if you’re in a mixed-gender couple, whether you’re swiping on an app or meeting people in the real world, don’t assume that just because someone is bisexual they’ll be attracted to both partners equally.
It helps to be on the same page about the dynamic. Is one person going to be the centre of attention? Will you be switching regularly? Is it a fluid exchange between three people where anything goes? Is it going to get kinky? In my personal opinion, unless your guest has expressed that their preference is to only give stimulation, it’s polite to spoil your unicorn and lavish pleasure and attention upon them.
Consider whether you’re open to spending the night with your guest and how you might follow up after the evening.
Remember that unicorns aren’t threesome dispensers. If you have a very specific fantasy in mind, if you want to skip the talking phase or if you don’t have the capacity or the desire to hold space for a third person’s emotional support needs, then consider hiring a sex worker instead. Sex workers are experts in creating erotic scenarios that tick all your boxes,without the emotional legwork of dating.
Okay, so now we’ve covered sexual dalliances, let’s consider three-way dating.
Tips for three-way unicorn sex
Maybe you loved the threesome so much that you want to pursue dating as well as just sex. Let’s be realistic: this is a whole different kettle of fish. Here’s what you should consider:
Expect your connections to take different shapes. It’s completely unrealistic to expect the individual joining the dynamic to experience equal relationships with both partners. Instead, embrace those individual connections for their uniqueness.
Consider what will happen if one dynamic progresses quicker than another—what happens if someone falls in love? What happens if one person decides they no longer wish to be in a three-way dynamic?
As a couple, don’t expect the individual joining your dynamic to simply adopt all of the current relationship boundaries and expectations you have in your existing partnership. If you don’t re-negotiate and integrate the third person’s needs into your relationship, it will never be an equal partnership.
Get to know each other on an individual basis. Embrace having separate time to connect outside of the triad.
Again, consider your couple’s privilege very carefully. If you have rules around not wanting to be seen in public as a three or not introducing your new partner to friends and family, this is not an equal partnership and is likely to cause resentment further down the line. Consider why you’re holding on to these rules and who seeks to benefit from them.
Unicorn sex
Can be incredibly rewarding, offering individuals on both sides of the dynamic so much opportunity for connection, fun and pleasure. There are lots of things to consider, but as long as you’re acting with kindness and consideration, you’re sure to experience some incredible new things (doing it for the plot, anyone?).