What do we mean by sexual identity? And how do you understand your own? In this guide, we’ll talk you through some of the more common sexual identities, including a few terms to help describe feelings of romantic and sexual attraction, cover the difference between sexual attraction and gender identity, and give a few links to resources you might like to explore if you want to find out more about the broad spectrum of sexual identity.
What does ‘sexual identity’ mean?
The term refers to the way you experience attraction, and who you tend to be attracted to. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction can sometimes be separate, with some people experiencing romantic attraction but not sexual, or vice versa, or experiencing romantic attraction for some genders, but sexual attraction only to one other gender.
While many people conceive of sexual identity as something you only grapple with if you happen to have a minority sexual identity, exploring the way you experience desire can help you reach a deeper understanding of yourself, regardless of who you are attracted to. What’s more, although there is a default societal assumption that most people will be heterosexual, it is increasingly common for people to identify as somewhere other than ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ on the spectrum of sexuality. Younger people—at least in the UK—are more likely to identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual than older generations. The latest census data shows that 6.9% of 18–24-year-olds identify as LGB+, compared to 3.5% of 35–44-year-olds, and less than 1% of those 65 and over.
Sexual identity versus gender identity
Although the two are often discussed in the same breath, and sometimes conflated such as in the acronym ‘LGBT’ or under the umbrella term ‘queer’, it’s important to note the difference between gender and sexuality. Your gender is about who you are, your sexuality is about who you’re attracted to. So you can be transgender (someone whose gender does not match the sex they were assigned at birth) or cisgender (someone whose gender does match the sex they were assigned at birth), a man or a woman, and knowing this about your personal identity does not necessarily determine anything about your sexual identity.
- A straight, transgender man means someone who was assigned female at birth but is a man, who is attracted to women.
- A gay, cisgender woman is someone who was assigned female at birth, is a woman, and is attracted to women.
Here are a few terms we use to discuss someone’s gender identity:
- Man/woman/non-binary/genderqueer – the person’s gender
- Male/female/intersex – the person’s sex
- Transgender/cisgender – whether their gender matches their sex assigned at birth
Different sexual identities
As we learn more about ourselves and each other, the list of possible sexual identities is only going to grow. This doesn’t mean that more people are ‘becoming’ LGBTQ+, but rather that over time, humans learn how to define ourselves and our desires with more nuance. As a result, this is never going to be a definitive list. We have tried to define some of the most common sexual identities, with explanations for each, but your sexuality is valid even if you don’t feel like you fit into any of these boxes, and it may well be that you don’t see your own below. Check out the LGBTQIA+ Wiki if you’d like to explore some other possibilities.
Straight/heterosexual – someone who desires people of a different gender. We will refrain from saying ‘opposite’ because gender is not a binary, but often this would be phrased that way. For example, men who desire women, and women who desire men.
Gay/lesbian/homosexual – as above, we don’t want to refer to gender as a binary, but these sexual identities describe people who are attracted to members of the same gender. Women who love women, men who love men.
Bisexual – people who are attracted to more than one gender.
Pansexual – people for whom gender does not form a significant foundation of their sexual attraction, i.e. someone who finds themselves attracted to people regardless of gender.
Asexual – people who experience little, or no sexual attraction at all.
Aromantic – people who experience little, or no romantic attraction.
Queer – an umbrella term that is often used to refer to anyone whose sexual identity is not ‘straight/heterosexual’. In the past, this term was often used as a slur, to cast shame on to gay/lesbian/bisexual people, or those with gender identities other than cisgender male or female. However, in recent decades the term has been reclaimed by the queer community and is often used as a proud, catch-all term for those whose gender or sexual identity is marginalised where it should be celebrated.
Questioning – someone who is in the process of exploring their sexual identity, asking questions about themselves and their desires to find out what best fits them.
Then there are terms which blur some of the lines between the terms above: the term ‘heteroflexible’ for instance, is becoming more common and it refers to someone who is predominantly heterosexual but does sometimes find themselves attracted to people of other genders than their primary preference too. Likewise, ‘bi-curious’ has often been used by people who are questioning whether bisexuality is the identity that fits them best.
Sexual identity versus sexual behaviour
One of the common misconceptions about sexual identity is that your identity is only ‘real’ or ‘true’ if you’re actively having sex – along the lines of ‘use it or lose it’. This is especially common with bisexuality/pansexuality, where people assume that you can only truly hold that identity if you’re in the habit of regularly sleeping with people from across the gender spectrum. This is nonsense. There are many people who identify as gay/straight/bi who are not actively having sex, as there are many people of all sexual identities who choose to be monogamous or celibate.
Your identity is not determined by who you are currently having sex with, it is determined by you based on your own knowledge of your desires.
How do I know what my sexual identity is?
The million-dollar question! As a society, we run on a default assumption that everyone is straight/heterosexual, which is not a healthy thing for us to do – it means that those who don’t identify as straight are often seen as ‘other’ and treated like outcasts for their sexuality. What’s more, it means that many people who might otherwise feel their sexuality is more fluid or broad than simply ‘straight’ are never given the support and encouragement they need to ask questions and explore what desire and attraction feel like to them.
Some people think that your sexuality is fixed. You may have heard the phrase ‘born this way’, and for many that is how they experience their sexual identity: knowing from a young age who they fancy, and feeling like this attraction stays roughly the same throughout their lives. Others find that they come to realise their sexuality later in life when they have been given the freedom to explore and ask questions.
If you’re questioning your own sexual identity, it can be helpful to think through all the things that you believe feed into your attraction to people. Consider who you tend to find attractive in both romantic and sexual contexts, and ask yourself:
- Is their gender important/pivotal to my attraction to them?
- What aspect of their gender is attractive to me? For instance, how much is determined by their outward presentation (masculine, feminine, androgynous), how much by their body (muscular shoulders, specific genitals, round bottom), and how much by their actions or mannerisms.
- How much of my attraction is sexual and how much romantic?
These are just a few starter questions but if you’d like to explore your sexual identity more we recommend checking out this zine by Meg-John Barker – Mapping Your Sexuality. Meg-John is the author of a number of books on sex, gender and relationships and this free resource provides a great guide on how to explore your own needs and desires in a curious way without judgment or shame.
You might also like to attend some LGBTQ+ groups or get in touch with charities who offer support. Switchboard is a helpline that offers non-judgmental support for LGBTQIA+ people across the UK, and they also offer both an email and a chat service.
How can I support a loved one who is questioning their sexual identity?
The first thing to do is make clear your love and support and avoid trying to guess what your loved one might need from you. The mental health charity Mind has a fabulous guide on what to do if a loved one comes out to you as LGBTQIA+, including advice about examining your own biases, accepting someone for who they are, and refraining from asking intrusive questions. If you are unsure what to do, you could ask how your loved one would like you to support them. Perhaps they want a listening ear or someone to just bounce thoughts off, or maybe they’d like you to stand by them as they come out to other members of the family or friendship group.
On top of emotional support, there are also plenty of fantastic resources – including the zine and helpline mentioned above – that you could share. We’d also recommend this guide to sexuality by Bish. This whole site is a treasure trove of information on sex, aimed at young people but equally useful to adults – especially those who haven’t had much decent sex education as they were growing up.
Fundamentally, no one can tell anybody else what their sexual identity is, so whether you or a loved one are exploring your own, remember that the only correct response to someone telling you theirs is acceptance and support. And if you are exploring or questioning your own sexual identity, hopefully, you will be surrounded by people who can give you the same!