The term sexless marriage carries a lot of weight, and often, there are a lot of unspoken feelings around it. Friends may talk about it after a couple of drinks; it’s often raised as a concern in therapy, and we even read about it in relationship columns. But what actually defines a sexless marriage or relationship? And, perhaps even more importantly, what can you do about it if you’re experiencing it?
What counts as a sexless marriage or relationship?
A marriage is generally considered sexless when sexual intimacy occurs fewer than 10 times per year. Now, whilst this number may sound like it’s plucked from the air, for some, it will hit closer to home. That said, it’s important to remember that every relationship is unique. For some couples, intimacy isn’t expressed sexually and they still feel deeply connected to each other despite a lower frequency of physical intimacy than the norm, but for others, a lack of physical closeness creates a sense of disconnection, even if the couple still loves and respects each other.
It’s not uncommon for some couples to fall into what they describe as living-like-flatmates, where their lives are deeply intertwined logistically but feel empty emotionally. A statement I often hear in the therapy room is “We’re both doing so much to keep life going together, but we don’t actually feel like a couple anymore.” And while physical intimacy isn’t the only measure of closeness in a relationship, it is a significant barometer of emotional connection for most people.
How common are sexless relationships?
A survey of 2000 people by Relate in 2017 (in partnership with Mumsnet and Gransnet) showed that on average, 30.7% of people were in sexless relationships across five age groups (comprising 18-60+ years).
While that statistic may sound surprising, it’s important to understand that sexual desire ebbs and flows naturally over time. Big life changes, career, family responsibilities, health concerns, individual energy levels—anything can impact physical intimacy within a relationship. Often, the transition to a sexless marriage doesn’t happen overnight—indeed, the Relate Survey revealed that women start to seek out sexual connection less from the fourth year of marriage. It’s a gradual shift, with one partner (or both) realising they’ve slipped into a pattern where the focus on one another has taken a back seat to everything else going on in their lives.
For a lot of people, the impact of a prolonged lack of physical connection is profound. The feeling of being more like flatmates or partners in logistics than romantic partners can seriously affect people’s mental health as they allow it to become the new normal, despite feeling unfulfilled. Some couples have ways of feeling close despite a lack of physical intimacy, but if you have a need for sex that your partner doesn’t, that absence of touch creates a painful emotional distance that a lot of my clients feel can never be bridged.
What are the root causes?
A sexless marriage or relationship rarely comes down to a single issue—it’s often the result of various interconnected factors. From my experience, some of the most common causes include:
Stress and Exhaustion
Life is so stressful nowadays. We expend so much energy on work, raising our children and running a home, not to mention having a social life, keeping fit and watching what we eat! And if there hasn’t been much sex in the relationship, then the pressure of giving a partner sex can add more stress to an already potentially highly-charged situation. All of this can put sexual intimacy on the back burner for a lot of couples. Even if both partners want to connect, the stress and worries of life can create both mental and physical barriers to closeness.
Emotional Distance
When couples stop feeling emotionally close, physical intimacy is bound to suffer as well. Arguments, resentments and unresolved issues create walls over time, making the thought of closeness challenging or even unappealing in a lot of cases. If somebody is feeling hurt, let down or aggrieved in their relationship, then sometimes sex may be withheld as a form of Protest Behaviour.
Health and Physical Changes
Medical issues or mental health challenges can significantly impact a couple’s physical relationship, especially as the couple tries to navigate, heal from or live with whatever the issue may be. As well as these issues, if a person has experienced sexual trauma and has not yet resolved it, this can also lead to sexual disconnection. Sometimes, couples struggle to find ways to move through these changes, which can lead to feelings of frustration or emotional separation.
Hormonal changes
Hormonal changes, during times like childbirth or menopause, were found to be the main reason why women were turning their backs on sex. These alterations create not only physical change, like painful sex, but can also leave many women feeling uneasy about their bodies or even who they are, as they navigate the transition to motherhood or the loss of their fertility. Motherhood can also impact the roles within the family unit where the woman may feel more burdened by ‘looking after everyone’, which can also lead to resentment between couples.
Comfort and Familiarity
To paraphrase the great relationship guru Esther Perel: “Love seeks familiarity, but desire seeks mystery.” Sometimes, the passion fades not because couples don’t care for each other but because they may feel as though they know their partner so well that the spontaneity and excitement have gone. Familiarity truly breeds contempt for some.
Mismatched sexual libido or desires
Sometimes, especially at the start of a relationship, it can be difficult for couples to clearly identify whether their desires, and mismatched libidos are even truly compatible. People so badly want to connect with someone at a deep level that amber, or even red flags, may be overlooked to ensure that the connection is made sustainable. However, once the flush of love fades and life settles down, mismatches will become apparent.
Mismatching sexual identities
This is quite similar to the issue above, but this is about the occasions when the true sexual identity of one or both partners has been hidden for some reason. One (or both) partners may be homosexual, asexual, or identify as something that means that they don’t find their partner sexually attractive—and in truth, they never really did.
Understanding these underlying causes is crucial for couples trying to reconnect. It will allow them to approach the issue from a place of empathy and problem-solving rather than blame and frustration. This is the time when many couples find they can turn things around with a bit of guidance and patience.
Can a sexless marriage survive?
So, can a marriage survive without physical intimacy? The answer depends on the couple, their individual needs, and their willingness to explore what’s truly happening beneath the surface. For some, the absence of sex is not an issue—it doesn’t undermine their bond or diminish their affection, and they have other ways to connect. For others, a lack of intimacy may push them into separation or divorce.
If you do want to reignite the flame between you, the key is to be honest and compassionate with yourself and your partner.
Renewing intimacy must start with a safe conversation—one where both partners feel heard, respected and free to express what’s in their hearts. Reintroducing physical connection is more than just scheduling time together; it’s about reestablishing emotional trust, rediscovering each other’s needs, and tapping into the reasons they fell in love in the first place. The path back to closeness can be difficult for couples and for some, rebuilding intimacy means reimagining their relationship.
Practical steps for reconnecting
If you’re wondering where to start, here are a few approaches that can help you on the road to reconnection in your sexless relationship:
Emotional Connection Comes First
It’s so important to work on rebuilding the emotional bond before jumping back into bed together. This means setting aside regular time to talk without distractions, expressing gratitude for one another, or simply spending time together doing things you both enjoy.
Identify What Feels Missing and Voice It
Openly discuss what each partner feels is lacking. Some couples hesitate to bring this up out of fear of hurting the other, but honest communication is the most important step. When each partner knows what the other desires, they can work together to rekindle those elements in the relationship. And remember – sometimes, what’s lacking is something only you can give yourself!
Regular Non-Sexual Touch
Physical touch can be healing, even when it’s not sexual. Holding hands, hugging, or sitting close on the couch can help reintroduce physical closeness without the pressure of immediate intimacy. The pair bonding love hormone, oxytocin, is released into the body after just 20 seconds of doing any of these activities, which will make couples feel closer with little effort.
Address Lingering Resentments
Emotional wounds or lingering resentment will block physical closeness. If you are holding onto a strong issue, I would recommend therapy. It will offer you both a safe, non-judgmental space to air any issues and allow you to process and release them in a way that generates more trust.
Seek Support Together
Even if there aren’t any big issues to work through, working with a therapist or counsellor can be transformative. Therapy creates a safe, neutral environment where thoughts and desires that may feel too daunting to tackle at home can be explored. A professional can help couples break down barriers and rebuild intimacy in a structured, supportive way.
A sexless marriage doesn’t have to mean the end of intimacy
When couples come to me feeling like the romance is gone, they often think that it’s gone forever, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Every relationship comes with its own set of challenges and opportunities, and I believe there is always hope for reconnection if both partners are committed to putting in the effort. The journey may not be easy, but many couples who work on rebuilding intimacy report feeling closer and more deeply in love than they ever imagined.
A sexless marriage doesn’t have to mean the end of romance or closeness. In fact, it would be more helpful not to give your relationship that name at all and see it merely as a phase of life you are moving through, no matter how long it’s been going on for. That way, you’re allowing yourself to believe that it can change, and it can!
If you’re ready, there is a path forward. With a heartfelt commitment to exploring each other’s needs, couples can work through even the most challenging times. Sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical acts; it’s about reconnecting emotionally, rediscovering each other, and allowing the relationship to evolve into a new, fulfilling phase—where sex is on the table (or the sofa, or the floor) again.