Wait… did I just have a sex dream?
Ever woken up with the deliciously naughty feeling you’ve been up to something saucy in your sleep? Maybe you’re still tingling all over from an unexplained orgasmic rush. Are there memories of erotic shenanigans flirting in the periphery of your waking mind? Maybe you’ve just experienced sex dreams!
Suzannah Weiss is here to explain what they might mean and, indeed, why you might be having them…
Dreams about sex
Most people have, at some point, had a dream about sex. In fact, 37% of women say they’ve orgasmed in their sleep, and over 70% of people have had a dream involving sexual content. These dreams may be sexy or just plain strange, but either way, they can clue us into our real-life feelings and desires.
“Dreams involving sexual content are as diverse and varied as people are,” says Jungian psychotherapist Diana Waszczuk-Howlin, LCSW. “Dreams can involve people that the dreamer interacts with on a regular basis, such as colleagues, friends, partners, exes, or even unknown people such as celebrities or strangers. These people can be people that the dreamer is attracted to or repulsed by or anything in between.”
Why do I keep having sex dreams?
While sex dreams can reflect real sexual attractions or pent-up sexual tension, they most often have a symbolic meaning, says Waszczuk-Howlin. To get an idea of what your sexual dreams symbolize, the first step is to brainstorm what you associate with the person in the dream. For instance, what qualities do they have? What do you think of when you think of them? A sex dream about this person may indicate that you are cultivating these qualities yourself.
Sex can also represent creativity and inspiration in a dream, Waszczuk-Howlin says. “The tantric tradition looks at the sexual act as facilitative of a connection to the divine and therefore associated with a spiritual expression,” she explains. “Similarly, the Sufi poet Rumi added to this idea of divine union and longing for spiritual fulfilment and connections in reference to the divine as the beloved.”
Two people having sex in a dream can indicate two parts of yourself that are trying to come together, literally and figuratively, according to Jungian psychoanalyst Jo Ann Culbert-Koehn. “Whether the dream couple is a celebrity, an ex, or a friend, the question is: What qualities is the unconscious trying to bring up to the conscious mind?”
There are also more spiritual interpretations of sex dreams. Some believe sex in a dream—especially with someone you’re attracted to but can’t be with—can mean you are “meeting up in another realm and safely accessing each other to experience that pleasure,” says Marla Renee Stewart, award-winning educator and sexologist at Velvet Lips Sex Education, who uses dream interpretation with her clients.
What some common kinds of sex dreams mean
Sex with strangers
Strangers in sex dreams may represent unknown sides of yourself. If the person is of the opposite sex, they may represent your own “anima” or “animus”—that is, your masculine or feminine side, according to Culbert-Koehn. The dream may be an indication that this part of you wants to come more to the surface. “Meeting a stranger in a dream that one is attracted to and that seems very idealized or perfect, possessing qualities that are very attractive to the dreamer, can be talking about the dreamer getting more in touch with a more developed version of themselves” Waszczuk-Howlin adds. “For example, a heterosexual, cisgender woman might dream about sex with another woman in order to communicate the need and movement of getting in touch with a more feminine mode of being—for example, a yin feminine, which is receptive, reflective, and compassionate.”
Sex with celebrities
Dreams about sex with celebrities are common and often indicate a desire to fine-tune and showcase your own talents. “Celebrities are usually known or recognized for great talent in some regard,” Waszczuk-Howlin explains. “A dream of having sex with a celebrity might be about, not necessarily a desire to be recognized by the general public, but a yearning for a recognition and a bringing to life or consciousness of a similar talent or expression in the dreamer.” For instance, you may want to make a new career move or a foray into the arts. Sex with a celebrity may also reflect a desire for power or grandiosity, according to Stewart. “You are looking to be much more than you currently are.”
Sex with exes
Sex with an ex can indicate a desire to get back with them, but frequently, it’s not even about the ex at all. Instead, exes can represent an unresolved issue from your own past. “This could be about how a positive or negative trait, attitude, or expression is being or needing to be integrated,” says Waszczuk-Howlin. Sex with an ex can also point toward a desire for a sense of comfort you had in the past and now miss, says Stewart.
Sex with friends
If you dream about having sex with your bestie, you may want to be more like that person, according to Waszczuk-Howlin. The sex may also reflect the qualities you appreciate about the friendship. “Sex with a best or close friend usually just indicates a deep appreciation for being seen, being close, and being loved,” Stewart says.
Sex with your partner
A sex dream about your real-life partner could reflect dynamics within the relationship or qualities of your partner that you’re hoping to absorb, says Waszczuk-Howlin. One common dream theme is your partner cheating—which usually means the opposite of what people think, says Stewart. “Dreams can be predictions, but dreams can also be the contrary,” she says. “If you have a dream that your lover is cheating on you, it usually means that your lover is head over heels in love with you. Recognizing when you have a ‘dream of contrary’ is important because these can be unsettling at first if you don’t know what’s happening.”
How to decipher what your sex dreams mean?
Since the meanings of sex dreams are very individual, you can do a deep dive into your own psyche through therapy with someone specializing in dream interpretation. Waszczuk-Howlin recommends searching for a Jungian or depth-oriented psychotherapist.
You can also gain insight into your dreams through journaling. Waszczuk-Howlin suggests making a list of words you associate with the people, places, and things in your dream, as well as the emotions you felt in it.
It also helps to journal about what happens in your life after the dream. “If you really like to take note of your dreams, write them down, and then observe your life for the next few days, you’ll start to see the symbolism over time and get used to all the different symbols,” says Stewart. “For instance, I know that when I see blue cars in a dream that are intact, that means money is coming to my bank account soon. But if I see a wrecked blue car, that means that money is going to be leaving my pocket for a major expense.”
If you want to study up on dream interpretation, you can also read a book like A Beginner’s Guide to Dream Interpretation by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Inner Work by Robert Johnson, What Your Dreams Are Telling You by Cindy McGill, or The Ultimate Dictionary of Dream Language by Briceida Ryan. Lastly, Waszczuk-Howlin suggests a creative project like a drawing, painting, or piece of writing inspired by your dream to bring its meaning to light.