Sometimes the things which turn us on are dark and taboo. People who enjoy spanking might do so because of the pain or humiliation. Some who enjoy bondage like the feeling of being trapped and unable to escape. These sexual fantasies are common because for many people, sex is most exciting when it touches on taboos. Consensual non consent (CNC) is perhaps one of the most powerful of those, because it plays into the sexual fantasy of being taken against your will.
In this guide, we will discuss some of the details of CNC, explaining what it is and why it is appealing. We’ll also cover some of the important groundwork you need to do before embarking on consensual non consent play with a partner, including hints and tips to do it safely.
Content Warning:
Note that because CNC involves people pretending to be reluctant or unwilling to have sex, it is also occasionally referred to as ‘rape-play’ or ‘ravishment’, and it centres around themes which may be distressing to some. The ‘consensual’ part is as important as the feigned non consent, of course, but please take a second to consider whether you’re comfortable and in the right frame of mind to read about this topic before you continue. Your consent as a reader is as important as the consent of every person in any sexy situation!
What is consensual non consent?
Broadly, CNC refers to any sexual scenario in which one person is pretending that they do not consent, while the other person performs sexual acts on them. This can range from things like sleep-sex (where one partner pretends to be asleep) to acts like struggling (where one partner wrestles the other into submission) or fantasy scenarios such as kidnapping and ravishment. Other forms of CNC play can involve coercion, for instance, a role-play scenario in which one person is blackmailed into sex, or told they must have sex in order to get a promotion or avoid arrest. There are many different ways to play with consensual non consent, but the key thing that all CNC scenes have in common is that one person is pretending they don’t want it.
This kind of play is, understandably, controversial. As with all kinks, it is not for everyone, and consent to participate in CNC should never be assumed. To those who don’t fantasise about being ravished, it can seem upsetting to realise that others want to submit to being ‘forced’, even if only in a role-play scenario, but the same is true of more mainstream kinks like spanking and bondage too. If it isn’t your cup of tea, there’s no need to drink it. But if it does sound like something you’d like to do, the good news is that you are far from alone.
How common are CNC fantasies?
A review of the literature on sexual of fantasies in 2008 suggested that between 31-57% of women fantasise about being forced into sex against their will, and 9-17% of women say they regularly fantasise about this. This should not be taken to mean that a large percentage of women dream of real-life coercion or rape, though. Fantasy is just that: fantasy.
Psychologists have put forward many reasons why women in particular might find this erotic:
- Sexual blame avoidance—thanks to slut-shaming culture, women are often criticised for being openly sexual, and it’s been theorised that CNC fantasies can help allow women to enjoy their sexual fantasies free of the ‘blame’ of wanting and enjoying sex willingly.
- Masochism—for the same reason, some people like being tied up and beaten, perhaps those into CNC enjoy the pain or brutality of it.
- Reclaiming trauma—because women often live in fear of rape in real life, playing with that taboo in a safe space in the bedroom can help them take ownership of the scenario and reclaim a sense of control.
For more details read this Psychology Today article by David Wahl, which might help you understand why you or a partner enjoys these fantasies. However, it’s important to note that while introspection and understanding your desires are great, your kinks don’t necessarily need to be explained or pathologised. There is a huge amount of variety in human sexual desire, and as long as your kinks are practised safely and consensually with other adults, there is nothing to be ashamed of if your own desires lean into this taboo.
How to practice CNC safely: fantasies and porn
Not everyone wants to act out their fantasies in the bedroom with their real-life partners. Many people who have non consent fantasies would prefer those to stay as just that: fantasies. Not to be indulged in the real world. This is absolutely OK. The most important thing in any sexual interaction (even if it’s one you have alone) is that you’re enjoying it in a safe space where you don’t feel threatened or coerced to go further than you’re comfortable with. Perhaps this is an idea you only want to enjoy alone while masturbating and thinking about it. Maybe you want to read erotica which features non-consent scenarios, but is written in a consensual way, with appropriate notes for the reader so they know what they’re diving into. This type of content is often labelled ‘noncon’ (for non-consent) or ‘dubcon’ (meaning ‘dubious consent’).
Some might choose to enjoy their CNC fantasy by watching ethical porn which features noncon or dubcon scenarios, though you may be understandably wary of porn which features these things, especially because on unethical tube sites there are often scenes labelled as CNC or rape ‘fantasy’ which have uncertain provenance. However, there are ethical ways to indulge non-consent fantasies: on safe porn sites these scenes are acted out by professionals who you know have been paid and treated fairly, given appropriate in put into the scene, and are performing rather than actually experiencing ill-treatment, you can sometimes indulge the more taboo kinks you have safe in the knowledge that no real people were harmed.
Practice CNC safely: real-life role play
Before launching into consensual non consent role play, it’s important to have conversations about what each of you expects from the scene. This is not just a vital step before playing in these taboo and potentially harmful spaces, it’s also an important part of foreplay. Talk to your partner about the things they would find erotic; for instance, ask which phrases or words they’d like to hear you say or get them to expand on what turns them on about this scenario. It’s impossible to come to any role-play scene without at least a few preconceived ideas, but by discussing your individual ideas, you can set aside these preconceptions and focus on what works for the pair of you specifically. This is, of course, especially important if they are the one with the non consent fantasy and you’re the one performing as the ‘villain’. Understand what it is that they like, and discuss what their hard limits might be. For example: “I want you to pin me down, but I don’t want to be hit or otherwise hurt.”
During these discussions, we also recommend that you discuss what each of you might need after the scene. Aftercare is important to consider whenever you’re playing with darker kinks—you may need to make space to reconnect, perhaps ensure you have time to cuddle and chat, or get a drink and discuss what you found sexy about it. Perhaps you’d like to sit together on the sofa, listening to a favourite album or watching a film to unwind.
Aftercare is as important for the dominant person as the submissive, especially in a CNC scene. It’s possible that someone playing the part of the ‘villain’ or aggressor requires reassurance that you don’t see them that way all the time, and maybe both of you will need to reset and re-establish your connection after playing with a power imbalance in this way. If you explore these needs before the scene, you’ll be prepared with an action plan for afterwards, especially helpful if you need to stop the scene for any reason.
It is also advisable to establish a safe word or action which either of you can use to call a halt to the scene, and for both of you to understand that using this word will cease all action immediately. We talk about ‘safe words’ a lot when it comes to rough sex, and in consensual non consent scenarios, these become even more important. If you’re acting out a scene with a partner where one of you is pretending to say ‘no’ without really meaning it, you need to establish a code or signal that means ‘no’ for real. Sometimes, people use traffic light colours: red means stop, amber means slow down, for example. Others have a specific word that they can say aloud, which tells their partner to immediately halt proceedings. This can be any word that you’re unlikely to yell in the course of your role play, so think of a random word like ‘bananas’ or ‘Neptune’—something that’s easy to remember, and will be easy for your partner to hear in the heat of the moment, but which would be incongruous to shout during whatever role-play scenario you’re acting out.
If words aren’t your thing, or you’re planning to play in a way that makes using them hard (for instance, with gags), you can use a safe action instead. Some people use a firm double-tap to the other person’s shoulder/back/arm, much like wrestlers will ‘tap out’ in the ring. Others choose to give the submissive an object to hold, like a heavy bottle of lube or a sex toy, that they can drop if they want the action to end. Whichever method you choose, it’s very important that both of you know exactly how to end a scene and understand that either can end it at any point in time. As per above, the word ‘consensual’ is exactly as important as ‘non-consent’ in the kind of play we’re talking about: the aim is to indulge these fantasies in a way that is safe and fun for both of you.
Fantasy versus reality
Whether you have these fantasies yourself, or you’re with a partner who enjoys consensual non consent, hopefully this guide will have given you a good overview of how those fantasies can be enjoyed in a way that’s safe and consensual. We’d also like to remind you that it is not aberrant or deviant to fantasise about being taken against your will: these are common turn-ons, and having them does not mean that you want to be raped or ravished in real life. Our imaginations are a space for us to play with things that we wouldn’t necessarily want to happen in the real world. Just as many people fantasise about rescuing their loved ones from burning buildings, or being the hero who saves dozens of strangers during a shooting or terrorist attack, humans often indulge in daydreams about scenarios that would terrify them in reality. The important thing is to understand the difference between what you want in fantasy versus reality, and discuss these things in detail with your partner so you can better understand each other. And act out those fantasies if and only if both of you think that sounds fun.